Is It Me Or Are Things Getting Better In My Life?

I haven't been this excited for a long time! The triple combo of N.E.R.D, Mercury Rev and Coldplay leaves me running around like a headless chicken. Just a super brief history of how I got into each band:

1. N.E.R.D.

Seven years ago, I walked into the Dance/RNB room at HMV on the third floor and heard this really weird-sounding band (at the time) blasting on the speakers. I remember asking this Japanese guy at the counter who the band was, and he handed me a CD called 'In Search Of...' by this band I had never even heard of. You must understand that this was during the height of my musical snobbery where I refused to listen to any band that didn't have four pasty British guys in it.

For some reason, I felt compelled to buy the last copy and went home and listened to the whole thing over and over. And they really fascinated me. Were they called N.E.R.D. or The Neptunes? Were they hip-hop? Or alt-funk? I was too anxious to classify them into a genre, not understanding at the time that they were so musically forward that they were reinventing genres as they went.

2. Mercury Rev

In 1998, I was still buying copies of NME and Melody Maker every week, and Select every month. Ah, the memories of blowing my money away on music snobbery. Anyway, I remember that every single critic was gushing about this album called 'Deserter's Songs' by an American band called Mercury Rev.

I didn't pick up the album that year, but a few years later, there was a CD mixer on one of the NMEs and the song 'Tonite It Shows' was on it. Listening to the wistful clarinet opening, I felt like I was in some 40s gangster movie. I only picked up the album even later, and I could have kicked myself for not getting into them earlier. Still, better late than never.

3. Coldplay

Ah, Coldplay. I shall spare all the gory, slobbery details, but I'll always have Jayine to thank for my fleeting moments with Chris Martin. I've gone from worshipping them blindly to disliking them for selling out to genuinely admiring their latest album. I may not be a super diehard fan, but now that I think about it, they've influenced quite a big part of my life and I'm a sentimental old fool so I'll always have a soft spot for them. (Here's hoping they don't sell out again!)

Now Hang Me Up To Dry (You Wrung Me Out Too, Too, Too Many Times)

These days, I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like making conversation, I don't feel like empty small talk, or catch-up talk, or even everyday stuff in general. The effort of getting words out just seems overwhelming and I just start getting anxious and worried. I have no idea why it's like that. I know that I have 'off' days sometimes where I'm anti-social but these have been stretching out to a few weeks.

I only don't feel this way around a certain group of people, usually the ones who have known me forever and know that when I get like this, the only solution is to roll their eyes and leave me be for a while so I can wallow in emo for a while and then be okay again. But it's irritating that I don't have time to be around these people because of work or school.

My colleagues are pretty alright to talk to, because I can always divert the topics to work and THAT is a neverending source of discourse. But sometimes, some of them want to talk to me about other stuff and I find myself wanting to retreat. It's nothing personal, it's just that I feel like I need to step back and start observing people again.

I guess the best way to describe what I'm feeling now is that I feel like a very, very full jug that's about to spill and I need to pour some of the water out before I'm ready to be around people again. But I don't ever get opportunities to "pour some water out" because I seem to always be surrounded by people. Even at home, I'm constantly surrounded by my mum and brother who want to talk, talk talk.

I know I'm going to regret saying this one day when I'm old and lonely and living in a flat with 49 cats and I have no one, and that I really should be grateful that there are so many seriously fantastic people in my life. It sounds trite but I really do love them. I love my wacky, weird friends, I love my oddball family, I love my Finer Things Club, I love Zarina who has stood by me for 15 years, I love my crazy colleagues who can really brighten up a dull work day anytime.

But for now, I just need some quiet. And a little time to finish the evergrowing list of books to read, movies to watch and music to listen to. As the immortal saying by Cow and Chicken goes..."Is it a criimmmeeee?"

Too Young To Reason, Too Grown Up To Dream

I've been looking forward to my bonus for a ridiculously long time, but it looks like more than half of it will be eaten away by my school fees. This is so unbelievably frustrating but I really don't have a choice, I guess.

I'm really hellbent on using the rest of the money to pay down debts, but it's still sad because I thought I could get myself something decent, like an iPhone or a mp3 player, after being so tight for the whole of this year. But that's one part of being a so-called adult, I guess, where you have to delay instant gratification and take care of the "real" issues first.

Shit. I just remembered that I may or may not have paid my income taxes. Being an adult blows chunks.

Whatever.

At the moment, I'm sick and tired of constantly blowing it. I'm sick and tired of sabotaging myself. I just want to go to bed for a week.

Whoever the hell said, "Go live your dreams," is a stupid dumbass.

Kthanksbye.

Everybody Knows That You're Insane

Don't even think for a minute that I've been obsessing over you and stalking you via Myspace or whatever. If your self-importance is that puffed up, then you're an even bigger jackass than I thought.

I've definitely moved on and done so many new things in my life to be proud of, and met lots of amazing new people who are now friends. So you were just a friend, not even a good one, and the idea that I even think about you when I've got so much else on my plate is laughable.

You're the pathetic one. You're the one making jam for a living and the only way you can ever get a girlfriend is picking on poor vulnerable women online. I was tempted to tell your current girlfriend about your pathetic self-pitying tactics to get women but I thought you two looked happy, so I thought I should leave all alone and continue moving on with my life and ignore whatever I found out about you being a bastard.

You know what? You are a fucking pathetic bastard. That's the reason your wife and all your other stupid girlfriends left you. Because your main act to get women is to appear all "woe is me" and act as though women have always screwed you over. Guess what, buddy? The problem is YOU. You're a fucktard. And I genuinely feel sorry for you because any woman stupid enough to be with you actually has to support your ridiculous jam-making endeavours and all the time you waste playing fantasy football.

Now that I think about it, you really deserve a huge amount of pity. And scorn. Seriously, good luck wading through life with such a ridiculous bag of tricks. I just pity your poor new girlfriend who's probably going to end up supporting you. That's how worthless you are.

Losing My Religion

I realized as I lay down to sleep
We haven't spoke in weeks
So many things that I'd like to know
Come have a talk with me
I need a sign, something I can see
Why all the mystery?
I try not to fall for make believe
But what is reality?

Where do we go?
What do we know?
Life has to have a meaning
Show me the light
Show me the way
Show that you're listening.

Guess it's funny how I say thanks to you
For all you've given me
Sometimes the price of what you gave to me
I can't stop questioning
O God of love, peace, and mercy
Why so much suffering?
I pray for the world, it gets worse to me
Wonder if you're listening.

- John Legend

And I Can't Stop Messing My Mind Up, Or Wasting My Time

We're supposed to be able to do anything we want. For the truly optimistic, they always ring up that damn Adidas phrase, "Impossible is nothing!" For the truly pessimistic, it's usually, "Sigh, trying to survive until the end of the day/week/month/year. Fuck it, lah."

I wonder why we never really realise our do-anything potential until something disastrous happens to take away that potential. Falling sick, for example (and I'm not talking flu here, I mean big stuff like cancer or diabetes) or becoming diabled...only then we'd be all, "Why didn't I do all that stuff when I had the chance?"

It's interesting, because we have that "chance" like RIGHT NOW, and I don't find myself (or many people I know) actualising it. In fact, I spend quite a huge chunk of the day wishing that I were somewhere else, or doing something else, or daydream about stuff like getting my driver's licence. There's just a whole lot of wishin' and not an awful lot of doin', and to my disgust, I spend a lot of time whining about this!

What do I do when I get home from work? Surf the net and watch stupid TV reruns. It's supposed to "destress" me, but I just end up more frustrated when the next working day rolls around.

Can anyone spell 'vicious cycle'?