I Just Want Something, Something For Nothing

Sometimes I look at you and I think that you're maybe the only person I have met so far who has the potential to understand me inside out. And sometimes, I look at you and I wonder if you will ever let down these impenetrable walls that you've built around yourself all these years. Sometimes you let me have a peek, just the quickest glimpse, and I see the stuff that I've been looking for in a person for so long.

I don't know when you're going to let me in and fully trust me. It's still too early for that, we've known each other for a few months but I find that you understand me better than some people who have known me for years. And I do understand you, but sometimes I don't know how to tell you that without making light of your situation.

I'm not in love with you - I'm not that naive or stupid to think that love (the true, deep, tried-and-tested, go-through-all-kinds-of-shit, unconditional kind) can develop so easily over such a short period of time, but if I continue down this path with you, in a year or maybe even ten, it is definitely going to happen.

I just hope that I'm not chicken-shit enough to stay through the rough times and still be here when it happens. Although you're so closed-up and secretive, sometimes you say the most astounding things to me that give me hope that I will still be here always, as I promised.

"Alright, so I guess I owe you some form of payment then."
"Your continued existence alone is payment enough."

This Is The End, The Final Showdown

So it's finally over. Brazil has won the Copa America, beating my beloved Argentina 3-0, one of which was an own goal by Ayala. I can't imagine how he feels, being the team captain and accidentally sabo-ing his country with an own goal. Poor guy.

They just showed a teary-eyed Pablo Aimar on TV. ARGGHH I cannot tahan!

I don't know what's wrong with Argentina today. They were in top form during the match against Mexico, but Brazil were smart enough to stop the Argies from getting into the rhythm of the game. Once they establish that particular rhythm (usually led by Riquelme) it's hard to stop them. So the Brazilians amassed a ridiculous number of yellow cards and fouls JUST to stop Argentina from gaining momentum. Sad, but I have to take my hat off to Brazil for knowing which tactics to use.

Poor Argentina - I hope they don't become a perpetual underdog, because they are far too brilliant a team for that. I'll be crossing my fingers for South Africa 2010 - players like Messi, Mascherano and Tevez will be older and far more formidable. That will be our year.

In the meantime, please let me wallow in depression as I watch my poor boys accept the silver medals.

¡Ay Caramba!

Tonight (or rather, tomorrow morning at 8.50am Singapore time) Argentina will be playing against Mexico in the Copa America semi-final. I'm so bloody excited but pissed because I have to work! I really want to watch the match but I don't think I can find a replacement for tomorrow in such a short time. Sigh.

Argentina has a really good chance of beating Mexico because the main Mexican striker (Castillo) is injured. True, Crespo (Argentine striker) is also injured, but the coach has a wealth of talent to choose from. Most likely, Messi (Pocket Messi is my family's nickname for my favourite player ever, haha) will be in the starting line-up and it's either Tevez or Milito who will pair up with him. In midfield, the playmaking wizard Riquelme will DEFINITELY be featured, unless the coach Basile goes nuts mid-match and pulls him out, just like the previous coach Pekerman.

I really hope Argentina win this one and go on to kick Brazil's ass. I mean, Brazil is a good team, I have to admit, but I'm sick of their overinflated ego and showboating. If they didn't have Robinho, they would have been chopped up by Uruguay into guacamole (Ronaldinho and Kaka opted to sell- sorry, sit out.) It's time for a -real- team to win the Copa. And Argentina seriously deserve it after what they had gone through in last year's World Cup.

Crossing my fingers and toes and eyes for them. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WIN!

With A Little Help From My Friends

What do I do when I'm angry and depressed? I do the first sensible thing that I've done in months - I stay away from the internet and hang out with my friends and colleagues. The second sensible thing? For the past few days, I have been listening to nothing but pop and dance music. Because it's mindless, it's fun and you don't have to think. And there's really nothing wrong with that. Because if you think too much, either your brain is going to explode, or you're going to go berserk and gun down your local post office. And I'm quite fond of our neighbourhood postman.

I thought I would be getting 2 weeks off to clear my head and get my act together, but apparently not. I have so many errands to run and stuff to finish that I really need to make full use of the 2 off days I do have.

Although there has been a lot of criticism of Live Earth, I really think they got two things right: friends and pop music. Because those two things have a curious but indisputable way of curing what ails you.

Nobody Loved You

In this world, personality and character counts for nothing. Proof in point: you can be extremely good-looking and literally get away with murder, but no one cares if you're ugly and intelligent/funny/smart/hardworking/whatever, because the good-looking person will always have the upper hand.

I don't care anymore about the whole don't-judge-a-book-by-its-cover because that is just simply bullshit. Human beings will do what is natural for our survival - assess the potential threat at a glance, then size them up immediately based on appearance. Whatever second impressions there are later are just flukes or accidental.

Although there are a few people out there who still believe in the goodness of people or the fact that personality overpowers looks, I give them a maximum of 10 years to become utterly jaded and cynical. There is no use fighting the system. Otherwise, why would the cosmetic surgery industry be raking in billions?

And yes, I'm pissed off right now and hurt and angry and disappointed, but it's not the first time, and it sure as hell won't be the last.

Erase And Rewind

Finally we had 'The Talk'. I can't describe how relieved I feel in so many ways. We're probably going to talk about this again later, but in the meantime, a lot of my concerns and fears were addressed. I finally know what's going on and it wasn't half as bad as I imagined. Things are going to get better.

I remember friends who have told me that I was foolish, and even a colleague who frankly told me that this was 'stupid' and 'not to waste my time'. And I also had friends who encouraged me, who listened to me go on for hours and who really understood and never judged me. The thing is, I knew that both groups really cared about my welfare, because it takes a lot of guts to stand up to your friend and tell them that you're afraid they're doing the wrong thing and they're only going to get hurt in the end.

I have to admit that I still don't know what's going to happen. But I do know that it's not as bleak as I imagined, and there is a lot more hope now.

But I Want Something Good To Die For

I can go with the flow
But don't say it doesn't matter anymore
I can go with the flow
Do you believe it in your head?

- Queens Of The Stone Age, 'Go With The Flow'

I Got Sunshine In A Bag

The Good:

- My friends have stopped arguing and are meeting up again. I think.
- Andrew's back!
- A lot of my colleagues are getting better jobs and better prospects.
- Finally finished downloading Season 1 of Daria!
- Will be meeting up with some people who I've missed dearly.
- Going back to school soon. Sounds insane but I missed it a lot.

The Bad:

- Those said colleagues have left/would be leaving and while I'm happy for them, work seems so much more dreary without them.
- It's hotter than hell these past few days. Feels like my own room is a Turbochef oven.
- My GST rebate thingy's already spent - damn school fees.

The Ugly:

- Something must have crawled into my room and died, but I honestly can't find the source of the smell, man.

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EDIT: Add this to the 'Bad' section: Thierry Henry joined Barcelona! What the FUCK? Get out of my club, you over-smug Frenchie!

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab

I can't remember being this depressed in quite a long time. Feels like everything's going wrong. Feels like I'm watching a train wreck happening frame by frame in slow motion, and I can't do anything to stop it. Because it's always been me, me, me: I'm the one causing my own train wrecks, and I always stand aside and helplessly let them happen instead of going to do something about it.

I can't stem this one - the usual tricks are not working. Distracting myself with books, movies, whatever - I still end up feeling hollow, like I'm cheating myself somehow. It's either feeling nothing or feeling depressed, and I don't know which is worse.

Who knows? Maybe I just need some sleep. Or a good kick in the ass.

Hope Of Deliverance

Sigh. Since they've started playing Paul McCartney's CD at work, the songs have been playing repeatedly inside my brain. This is one of my favourites. And the lyrics are very, very apt as well.


HOPE OF DELIVERANCE


I will always be hoping, hoping.
You will always be holding, holding
My heart in your hand. I will understand.

I will understand someday, one day.
You will understand always,
Always from now until then.

When it will be right, I don’t know.
What it will be like, I don’t know.
We live in hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us.

And I wouldn’t mind knowing, knowing
That you wouldn’t mind going, going along with my plan.

When it will be right, I don’t know.
What it will be like, I don’t know.
We live in hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us.

-----
On another note: Imah, I miss you already! I miss Ah Poh too!

Until You Understand

A colleague recently posted a question inside the Comm Book (to you non-SB folks, it's like a book where everyone writes messages, their thoughts, etc) asking how does one attain happiness. His question set the ball rolling for my own train of thought, and it's been something that I've been questioning lately.

I found this article inside a deserted copy of O Magazine that I'd like to share with you guys - I think it's really meaningful and it does answer some questions.

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ONLY CONNECT
by Sharon Salzberg

After the bomb fell on Hiroshima, even greater panic swept the city when rumours spread that the cherry blossoms would never bloom again. The thought that nature's cycle had been destroyed added a sense of hopelessness to the devastation people were already suffering.

In times of trauma or loss or fear, we look to a world not defined by our pain in order to heal; we try to find a context of still-existing goodness. We turn to nature or relationships or a belief in God, seeking strength in our connection to what is unbroken. We look for affirmation that growth and restoration are possible.

Faith is the quality of the heart that impels us to seek what is constant and whole. The sense of connection can be found in vastly different ways: in classically religious pursuits or ones that are completely secular; in music and art, meditation or service to others; with groups in city rooms or in the forest on one's own.

We need faith because despite our desire for the center of our lives to hold firm, we see that it never does. We're planning a career move, when suddenly illness threatens everything. We've settled comfortably into being alone, when we meet someone and fall in love. In life there is always change, and change can be uncomfortable, even terrifying.

We may try to deny the dynamic nature of change, telling ourselves, "I know it will all work out exactly the way I want it to." We may call this faith, but in fact it is no more than hope - a hope that is no longer energised and alive but has become fixed and brittle. And in reality, this hope is a subtle form of fear.

To be open to life, we need to first acknowledge what we cannot control. We can then begin to value - and trust in - our own inner strength and wisdom, which can remain unbroken no matter our circumstances. We can develop faith in a bigger picture of life, one that recognises that whatever we face, we are held in a web of interconnection - we're not cut off and alone.

Conventional wisdom says the opposite of faith is doubt. But doubt, applied in the right way - as curiosity and a willingness to question - can enrich and enliven our faith. I believe the true opposite of faith is the sundering of connection, the desolate certainty that the cherry trees will never bloom again. It is the experience of utter isolation, or despair.

In contrast, faith helps us approach life with a sense of possibility rather than foreboding or helplessness. It dares us to imagine what we might be capable of. It enables us to reach for what we don't yet know with a measure of courage. It gives us resilience in times of difficulty, and the ability to respond to challenges without feeling trapped. My own faith has taught me that whatever disappointments I might meet, I can try again, trust again, and love again.

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A Hard Day's Night

The Beatles greatly amuse me. On one of my favourite albums, 'With The Beatles', there are so many heartsick love songs, and suddenly the album ends with the song 'Money' which declares "Your lovin' give me a thrill, but your lovin' don't pay my bills, now give me mooooney...." One is left to wonder what all the whinging and whining love songs are supposed to amount to.

Talking to Aliah about rediscovering things that we loved in our childhood but have forgotten about, I think that rediscovering such loved relics of the past brings an inexplicable joy that's hard to duplicate. Aliah was talking about this book/TV series called 'Worst Witch' and how she used to love it some time ago, but forgot all about it. As for me, I've been rediscovering the music of Supergrass as well as these old Beatles cartoons I used to watch, where poor Ringo Starr was made to be the butt of all the jokes. It does have an interesting episode where John Lennon was mistaken for a pineapple and canned. Ah, people in the 60's must have really puffed the magic dragon a LOT to have such imaginations.

I had always thought my first crush was John Taylor (of Duran Duran...please don't laugh) but thinking back, it must have been George Harrison because of the memories from the Beatles cartoons. Still, gotta love what John Lennon said about how they came up with their band name: "It came in a vision — a man appeared on a flaming pie and said unto them, 'From this day on you are Beatles with an A'."

There's A Starman Waiting In The Sky

I don't know why I've been in such an introspective mood recently. It's probably not the best idea when I'm all drugged up on antihistamines and cough medicine, but I guess all these thoughts have been occupying my mind for some time now - the forced sabbatical may have simply brought them to the forefront.

Looking at people I used to know, or the people currently in my life now, they all seem to be moving forward and doing meaningful things with their lives, or at least things I have always wanted to do with my life. And I keep wondering how we ended up on different sides of the fence - them Accomplishing Stuff, and me simply indulging in Wishful Thinking.

Looking back, I can't really blame anyone else but myself. I've made a lot of bad choices, particularly two that will always affect my life. But I can't undo those two bad mistakes, so what do I do? Are they always going to haunt me and the rest of the future? Or is it only if I let them affect me? Sometimes I can't tell the difference between overly pessimistic thinking and facing up to reality.

It's probably just the medication talking, but I really need to think about the direction my life is going in. I feel stuck in a rut, and I need to get out fast before I get too comfortable.

We Are The Earth Intruders

(Normally I don't really like these quiz thingies, but this one seemed really interesting. Stole this from Jayine's blog.)

Q: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER "S"
A: Sathia (my best friend's husband)

Q: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH AN "A"
A: Aliah! And Andrew, of course.

Q: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER "C"
A: Cassie, Crystal, Nguan (also known as 'Chunky Butt')

Q: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS:
A: Redzman.

Q: DO YOU CHEW ON STRAWS?
A: Yup, I chew them until they become completely unrecognisable.

Q: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR?
A: Curly and wavy, until I straightened it. But the curls are fighting back...

Q: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU'RE GOING TO?
A: Hopefully the Cure! *crosses fingers with Aliah*

Q: WHO IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE?
A: This question is rather subjective because I think all of my friends are cool in some way, otherwise we wouldn't be friends. What a politically correct answer, man. But it's true!

Q: WHAT WORD DO YOU SAY A LOT?
A: "Fuck!" and "Aiyah, what to do?" and "Seow."

Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
A: KFC and medicine. Not together, of course. I'm not that insane.

Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST DRINK YOU DRANK?
A: Tanzania coffee.

Q: WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CHATTED WITH ONLINE?
A: Andrew

Q: DO YOU WATCH TV?
A: Mostly animated shows like Simpsons, Futurama, etc. Also the occasional rerun of Seinfeld. Right now I'm really into British comedy that can only be accessed via YouTube and old DVDs, sadly. Guilty pleasure = Heroes (I like to sneer at American TV.)

Q: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
A: Yup. Watched it 3 times and I still don't get a bloody thing. Just ended up with an irrational dislike for Jake Gylen-whats-his-face.

Q: DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW?
A: No, not until July.

Q: EVER GONE HUNTING?
A: For CDs and books, yes.

Q: IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
A: Not really sure. Right now most things are uncertain.

Q: WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW?
A: Resting / Sleeping / Sorting out mp3s into folders.

Q: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A: Most people call me "Issssss" and "Oi, stop going through my bag!"

Q: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
A: Humans are creatures of impulse and intuition, so if you put those two things together, there definitely is a possibility of that happening. I thought it happened to me once, but apparently not.

Q: ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
A: Yup. My mum complains that I can sleep through a cyclone, tornado, earthquake and tsunami rolled into one.

Q: DO YOU CLEAN UP NICE?
A: I rarely bother to dress up because I know the people who are close to me will value me for who I am, not what I look like, which translates to = I'm lazy.

Q: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD?
A: Maybe 15 years ago? I fell on my bum and all my cousins pointed and laughed at me.

Q: WHERE WAS THE LAST PLACE YOU SLEPT BESIDES YOUR HOUSE?
A: The store chalet at Costa Sands, although we didn't technically 'sleep' but yakked the night away...

Q: BEST MOVIE YOU'VE SEEN IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS?
A: 'Zodiac' which ironically had Jake Gylen-whats-his-face but the movie was actually pretty good, if a bit draggy.

You Said You'd Always Fall For The Underdog

Talking to Aliah about our FBOAT (Favourite Band Of All Time) has reminded me of how much I love the Brakes. Aliah's FBOAT is Rialto, who sadly split up rather prematurely but left behind a really good album. Mine is the Brakes, whom I've unconditionally supported even when they sold out for a very minor period of time in their attempt to break the American market. Still, they came back and produced an album that reduced me to tears so all is well and forgiven.

I was scolded recently for abandoning the Manic Street Preachers, whom I adored so much in poly. Still, have you heard their latest effort? It's bloody pop! They're blatantly selling out without any remorse whatsoever! I was just speechless when I heard it. Blatant selling out + horrific songwriting = no forgiveness from me at all. Still, I was given a huge lecture by two of my friends, one an everlasting Man U fan and another a massive Garbage fan who both yelled at me for being a fairweather fan.

I guess our tastes change when we get older, but I really don't see it as deserting a sinking ship. I really do think the Manics stink now. No doubt that I still love their old stuff and listen to it on a regular basis, but their efforts now disappoint me hugely because they smack of commercialism. So I don't know.

Still, I will always and forever love the Brakes, because they've always been there for me for the high and low points of my life, and I will never be able to express in words what they manage to express for me through their music. And that's the way we all feel about our FBOAT, right?

I'm Afraid Of Americans

Man. Islinda's foot, kindly meet mouth. I overreacted hysterically to a very innocent and simple misunderstanding. Thank God he was so nice about it. No doubt he was affected in some way, but I really have to watch this impulsive urge of mine to overreact, man. It's gotten me into trouble so many times, and one day it's going to kill a really meaningful relationship or friendship that I'm going to regret forever.

I really love the David Bowie song 'I'm Afraid Of Americans'. It ends with the chorus "God is an American." You must get the Nine Inch Nails remix for that one.

The closest I've come to having a crush on an animated character is Trent Lane from the old TV show Daria. He's such a trip, man. Sure, he's a bum and he still stays at home with his parents and has no ambition or drive, but he's so super cool and we're always not sure whether he likes Daria or not. Oh well. Time to go watch more Daria and Buzzcocks!

This is Our Last Goodbye

Last day of work with Ah Poh. You will be sorely missed! No more conversations and rants about cool music, movies, books and strangely-shaped sex toys. Sigh.

In other news, Aliah pointed me towards this excellent UK game show about music trivia, called 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks'. It's more funny than educational, although I suspect the likes of Andrew (the walking mine of trivia) would kick Daniel Bedingfield's ass. I was also pleasantly surprised to see Dom Joly (!!!!) there! Dom Joly, my hero of Trigger Happy TV fame!

Watching the show reminded me how much I love The Stone Roses. So here's a useless list of songs I can't seem to stop listening to, and which I would recommend anyone to poke at for fun.

- Interpol, 'The Heinrich Manouvre'
- The Stone Roses, 'Waterfall'
- The Coral, 'Dreaming Of You' and 'Waiting For The Heartaches'
- Captain Beefheart, 'My Human Gets Me Blues'
- Bjork, 'I See Who You Are' and 'Earth Invaders'
- The Arctic Monkeys, 'Do The Bad Thing' and 'This House Is A Circus'
- Aqualung, 'Pressure Suit'
- The Beta Band, 'Wonderful'
- Bauhaus, 'Bela Lugosi's Dead'
- Nouvelle Vague, 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'
- Lo-Fidelity Allstars, 'Battleflag'
- The Bravery, 'Believe'
- Mercury Rev, 'Tonite It Shows'
- Explosions In The Sky, 'The Only Moment We Were Alone'
- Feeder, 'Pain On Pain'
- Franz Ferdinand, 'What You Meant'

I See You As You Are

Two different things: a movie and an album, and the same theme running through them, which I think is pretty cool.

---

Becky: I'm not into that... that whole external beauty thing, you know. 'Cause it... it doesn't last.
Gilbert: Right.
Becky: Eventually, your face is gonna get wrinkly...you'll get grey hair.
Gilbert: Sure.
Becky: Your boobs might sag. You know? So what? It's what you do
that really matters. Right?
Gilbert: Yeah, sure.

(From 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?', starring Johnny Depp as Gilbert and Juliette Lewis as Becky.)

---


I see who you are
Behind the skin
And the muscles

I see who you are, now
And when you get older later

I will see the same girl
The same soul
Lioness, fireheart
Passionate lover

And afterwards
Later this century
When you and I have become corpses

Let's celebrate now all this flesh on our bones
Let me push you up against me tightly
And enjoy every bit of you

I see who you are.

(From the song 'I See Who You Are', from the album 'Volta' by Bjork.)

The Price Is Wrong, Bitch

Andrew recommended that I watch 'Happy Gilmore', so I did and he was right, it's absolutely hilarious. There are at least 3 moments in there that are laugh-out-loud memorable. My favourite part is probably where Adam Sandler gets beaten up by Bob Barker. A classic comedy moment, man.

Didn't get to talk to him much tonight, because he had to work, but it's okay. It's really odd because, being the impatient, impulsive biyotch that I am, I would have thrown a hissy fit or started a poutfest if it were me a year or two ago. But now I'm probably slightly more mellow. Also, he makes me want to be a better person (i.e. cut down on the biyotch-ness) and with him, I'm just more Zen on the overall. Still, I miss him.

So much housework to catch up on. I haven't seen my floor in 3 months. Looking forward to finding missing books/CDs/friends who might be buried under all that mess.

Annie, Are You Okay? Are You Okay, Annie?

Get this: in the last 24 hours, in 2 separate incidents, 2 people have drowned in the reservoir near where I live. I know this sounds trite, but there seems to have been a lot of deaths recently. A colleague's grandma passed away, another colleague's uncle also passed away, and so did the Boredphucks drummer. I didn't know him personally although my ex-bandmates probably did. Still, it's really shocking when someone so young and healthy dies in their sleep.

It's a bit annoying now because people are coming out of the woodwork and claiming to a) know him personally b) know him through a friend of a friend c) patronised the same roti prata stall as him or whatever. I mean, come on people, why don't you leave the true grieving to the people who really knew him and loved him? It's an insult to his real friends and family for you to shed tears and claim he will be missed when you barely knew him while he was alive. It's definitely normal to feel sad and shocked that he's gone - I personally feel sad for his family - but to shed tears and set up memorial sites? Come on, man.

Anyway, I don't want to be Bitter Betty today. I shall enjoy my off days and ignore all negativity that comes my way. I'm sad that on Thursday, it'll be my last day working with a colleague who is leaving this week. One thing about working here is that it's notably transient: no one is here for the long term, except possibly the upper management. Still, it's obvious that everyone has an eye on the door. The only reason I'm still here is because of the people. And when that gets taken away, I'm not sure if there are any valid reasons to stay. Sigh.