And What A Thing, To Know What Could Be Instead

I'm undecided about you again
Mightn't be right that you're not here
It's double-sided, cause I ruined it all
- But also saved myself, by never believing you, Dear

Everything good, I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before

O' Sailor, why'd you do it?
What'd you do that for?
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

I have too been playing with fifty-two cards
- Just cause I play so far from my vest
Whatever I've got, I've got no reason to guard
What could I do, but spend my best

And after waiting, fighting patiently on my knees
All the other stuff tired itself out first, not me
And in its wake, appeared the touch and call
Of a different breed
One who set to get me wise, and got me there
And then, got me

And what a thing, to know what could be instead
Oh, what a blessed curse; to see
It took the agenda from its place in my bed
Made a merry paramour of me

O' Sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for?
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

O' sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for?
Giving me eyes to view it
As it goes by the boards.

---- Fiona Apple, 'O Sailor'

I'm Your Villain

After having soaked my brain in facts about the French Revolution for my upcoming assignment, I'm so bloody sick and tired of the whole damn thing. The only thing I can remember now is that those Jacobins were really bitchy. In the end, they themselves kena guillotined. So what does that tell you? Don't be a pain in the neck. Har har har.

I don't even want to look at my assignment. It really pales in comparison to the one I did for the Romans.

Anyway, I went to see Spidey 3 courtesy of Redz. It was really good overall, with some 'argh' parts here and there. The arc about the Sandman and Green Goblin Jnr. had me sniffling.

Oh, and a very girlish aside here: why does even a disfigured James Franco look so much hotter than a normal Tobey Macguire?

Searching For Something But I Don't Know What It Is

Lost souls, you and I, my dear
Whiskey bottle and a .45, my dear
We're on a roll, suitcase and cellophane, my dear
Whiskey bottle and a .45 satisfies, my dear
And someone's whispering into my ear
Asking softly, "What do you fear today?"

'Cause in faithless times
I know your hate
I've seen your crimes
I've felt your cruelty
In the bubble gum years
In the bubble gum years.

- Gomez, Bubble Gum Years

So You Wanna Spin The World Around

So I was going to whine and complain and angst about something that had happened to me when I found out about two pieces of extremely sad news:

1) A US gunman had gone on a shooting spree in a Virginia uni, killing 31 people.
2) Kurt Vonnegut had passed away.

Nothing can describe the profound sadness I felt when I heard the news regarding both events, and of course it made me realise that the world goes on regardless of anyone's heartbreak, and there are so much bigger things out there to worry or be sad about.

I hope I get through this week. However, one of the things that made it all a little better is that I got the grade I was hoping for, for my assignment on the Romans. Now I just have to concentrate hard on the upcoming one on the French revolution.

Goodbye, Kurt Vonnegut. So it goes.

Oh, Inverted World

So. Had a mini-crisis, called the best friend, cried my eyes out, then we both laughed at someone weird we both used to know a long time ago whom I bumped into at school. Turns out this weird guy, who we refer to as Mr. Osama, actually went to Europe for 6 months. Still, it was nice bumping into him again, even if I did end up giggling at him.

Mini-meltdown averted. I shall now watch a bit of Ricky Gervais stand-up, then re-read Life After God and put Turin Brakes on full blast. Things can't go wrong when you're surrounded by your favourite things.

PS: I seriously don't know how I would ever cope without the best friend. Taking care of my little crises is a full-time job!

Caring Is Creepy

Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to live alone in a cabin and write odd, mystic songs like Nick Drake did. Or uproot myself and disappear into the middle of a Canadian pine forest with an old boy scout tent, just like Life After God.

Today I could feel myself inflate and deflate, inflate and deflate, and now I'm just past caring, I'm past any hope or redemption. This is the way I am, this is the person I am, perhaps I'm meant to be alone for most of my life, and the fact that I had any friends at all was just a fluke.

I'm not trying to be a drama queen, just....I think I've permanently deflated and I'm too tired and defeated to go on fighting it. I cannot keep trying to become another person just to please someone else and be their friend. Yet at the same time, I can't tell them "This is who I am, take it or leave it," because they will leave. So maybe it's better this way.

"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why." - Simon And Garfunkel

You Are The Only Person Who's Completely Certain There's Nothing Here To Be Into

"But I can't pretend
I don't need to defend
Some part of me from you

I know I've spent some time lying."

-- 'The New', Interpol

Damn it. I like you, but you're so far far away.

Why must all the good guys be gay/attached/living in Outer Mongolia? Sigh.

-----

I had no idea Aqualung has already released his third album. Shows what kind of fan I am. *snorts* It really deviates from his usual style though - all electro and Idioteque-ish. Why are all my favourite singers and bands undergoing radical musical plastic surgery?

It's Different Now That I'm Poor And Aging

Soooooo there's recently a lot of huge drama at work. After some good advice from a wise old (haha!) colleague, I've decided to call upon my patented LLAB method (Lay Low, Act Blur) to deal with the situation. I don't like politics and I prefer to get along with everyone at work, because it's where I spend 80% of my time, like it or not. Still, the people at work are pretty cool (Meow, you reading this? ;) and I really enjoy my job anyway.

The other 20% of my time is divided between school, my family and lepak time. Recently, school has been dominating everything and sadly leaving me with precious little lepak time. Good thing my friends are planning a massive outing at St James this Saturday, I seriously need to let my hair down and go nuts.

In other news: I have decided that Redz is right and The Editors don't really sound like a poor man's Interpol after all. I've been getting into their album recently and it's quite decent. Still, they can't send shivers down my spine the way Interpol does. Oh, to see them perform live! I would sell all my grandmothers and any remaining, dessicated relatives.

Just for fun: an update of my Top 5 Bands (this changes every week or so):

1) Turin Brakes
2) Mew
3) Interpol
4) Depeche Mode
5) Kings Of Convenience

Just got my copy of Death Note 2: The Last Name. I'm simultaneously gushing over the two handsome leads (three if you count Matsuda) and going "Kawaii!" like a demented Japanese schoolgirl, and also feeling horribly ashamed at unleashing my inner Ah Lian, sheesh!

Exceeder

So I have a huge major crush on Leonardo. No, not DiCaprio, although he's not a bad-looker. I actually mean Leonardo from the 1994 Brazil team which won the World Cup. Leonardo is now a sports correspondent with the BBC and hot damn the man is 3000 kinds of hawt.

I think it's because he kinda resembles Viggo Mortensen. But at the same time, I have a huge fetish for football players, past and present. They have this very manly presence about them that I simply cannot resist. So Leonardo is kinda like a 2-in-1 package.

Well, back to real life. I think I like him, although I'm trying to emotionally distance myself in case his interest is purely platonic, which I suspect it is. And why not? He's surrounded by so many pretty, interesting girls everyday. I'm just one of his many friends. Our different work locations and schedules would mean it would be difficult (but not impossible) to meet up. And also, he's younger than me.

I absolutely don't have a hang-up about the age factor, but he might. Oh, who am I kidding? If he was interested in the first place, he would have acted on it by now.

Now I understand why I live in my own world most of the time. Because the real world is kinda sucky by comparison.

You Don't Wanna Feel The Phantom Punch

Things I want:

- More money
- To go to Koh Samui!
- Just some time to sleep
- More time to finish my assignment
- Some self-discipline to stop eating and start exercising again, dammit!
- The new Sondre Lerche album
- The new Mew Live In Copenhagen DVD
- A sweet, gentle, indie Scandanavian boy. Floppy brown hair, earnest wide eyes and guitar playing skills an advantage but not required.

Alone In Kyoto

All I can say is that Pharrell Williams has the Midas touch whenever it comes to producing music. Really, anything that is produced by the Neptunes/N.E.R.D./Pharrell is bound to sound different, cutting-edge and ear-clingingly good. At the bare minimum, it will at least sound different from the crap some so-called 'hip hop artists' are churning out these days. Let's not name names, but singing hateful songs about your ex-wife is so 1999.

Listening to 'Yummy' by Gwen Stefani (featuring Pharrell) it makes me wonder if Pharrell listens to Depeche Mode. Some of the influences are definitely there.

Have not been to the store in days. I miss my colleagues!

In other words, this week has been hell. I was juggling management training, school, studying for the coffee master challenge AND attending a long-time friend's wedding. Luckily, the coffee master thing is already over and I've attended said wedding, but I still have to finish the 3 short essays as well as prepare for my Creative Thinking module. I'm just thankful I'm not taking 2 modules. If I was, I seriously think my sanity would have flown out the window and gone to Koh Samui on vacation.

Speaking of which....despite the bomb threats, I CANNOT WAIT TO GO TO BANGKOK! I seriously need a fuckin' break!!

Mind Over Money

As always, good ol' Turin Brakes come to the rescue. Olly and Gale always have the exact words to describe how I've been feeling recently, and they managed to put those words into one of my favourite songs ever:

'That's alright, I warned myself
Keep blood on the inside
And nowhere else
Up on the shelf
That's where I need to be
La da da dee."

- ('Mind Over Money')

And of course, good ol' Mew:

"Things that are supposed to mean lots
Leave you cold
And with a malady of the soul."

- ('White Lips Kissed')

I shall skip through my mp3s and see if I can find any other suitable songs.

Oh wait, of course, there's always 'Moving' by Supergrass, the song that ALWAYS describes how I am ALWAYS feeling.

Moving, just keep moving
Til I dont know what I'm saying
I've been moving so long
The days all feel the same

Moving, just keep moving
Well I don't know why to stay
No ties to bind me
No reasons to remain

Got a low low feeling around me
And a stone cold feeling inside
And I just can't stop messing my mind up
Or wasting my time

I'll keep moving, just keep moving
Well I don't know who I am
No need to follow
There's no way back again

Moving, keep on moving
Where I feel I'm home again
And when its over
I'll see you again

There's a mow low feeling around me
And a stone cold feeling inside
I've got to find somebody to help me
I'll keep you in mind.

The Man I Love

It's funny how the people around me must think that I'm a strange person. I've been asked a couple of times if I had MSN, and this is the conversation in general:

Unsuspecting Person: So, you got MSN or not?
Me: Nope, don't have.
Unsuspecting Person: *trying to comprehend this* You mean you don't have, or you have?
(At this point, the poor fella is trying to suss out whether I just don't trust them enough to give out my MSN handle to them, or if I've being super-secretive and just plain weird.)
Me: Um....I just don't like it.
Unsuspecting Person: *in disbelief* You mean you just don't like MSN?
Me: Um....yup.
(At this point, I either get a raised eyebrow or a weird look, or both, and sigh. There goes my resolution of not appearing weird or aloof.)

Thinking about it, it's like asking someone what their favourite food is, and they say they just don't like food. I guess I'd give them a weird look too. Or point and laugh.

I have no idea why I keep updating this thing when I know no one is reading. I mean, seriously, I have not given out this address to ANYONE I know in person, so in a way, it's a safe retreat from the hazards of reality, which kinda sucks at the moment. It's actually less suckier than it was 2 weeks ago, but it still sucks.

There was a John Legend song I heard at work that I really liked. Initially I thought it was about some girl he loved, but when I listened closely, I realised it was about God. Then it made me really sad and reflective, and I don't like myself when I'm in this mood. I get all melancholic and moody, when I actually should be putting on my game face for this week. I mean, I have to concentrate on my training, study for the Coffee Master challenge thing this Saturday, go to Pat's wedding AND finish my 1000-word essay on top of that. And all I actually feel like doing is writing.....

Listening to an Ella Fitzgerald song called 'The Man I Love', it occured to me that I have never really loved anyone. Like, really loved someone to the point of heartbreak, you know? And the scary thing is, I don't know if I ever will.

I'd like to, though.

The John Legend guy was the closest thing I've ever experienced to having feelings for someone so recently. The last person was J, but we broke up so long ago and since then I had not had feelings for anyone until JLG (John Legend Guy). Well, there is always Goatboy, who I think about from time to time, and I've always been convinced that there was something there, but I don't know what.

Oh well. Worse comes to worst, I'll just marry some Bangladeshi worker and spend my days building mud huts in Dhaka.

Feeling Yourself Disintegrate

I just have not realised just how stressed-out and wired I've been lately, until the recent outburst at my mum. Still, what turned out to be a crappy semi-day-off has turned into one that is actually not that bad. For the first time, I have an actual way out for the huge number of problems that has been piling up on my shoulders and the solution came from the most unlikely place. Still, I'm just glad that things are going to get better soon.

Now I just have to concentrate on work and school. Also, Pat is getting married next Saturday so I'm going to call up Redz and Jayine to see if we're all going together. Then after that, it's BANGKOK! I seriously cannot wait; I love going to Thailand so much and I seriously need a good and proper vacation, even if it's only for a few days. I desperately need a rest after the rollercoaster ride I've been on for the past few months. Still, I'm happy that I managed to curb my spending and somehow get my life back on track.

I'll just have to take a deep breath and soldier on. Or, in the words of My Chemical Romance, "we'll carryyyyy on, we'll carryyyyy onnnn..."and so forth. All I have to do is take a deep breath and concentrate on what I'm doing now and make sure I really don't screw up this time. Sigh.

Still - looking forward to Bangkok!

Saturn Returns

Listening to Radiohead's Pyramid Song, I've had a sudden epiphany. The most beautiful things - books, songs, albums, paintings, photographs, movies - have all been things I either didn't understand, or at least had some air of mystery or intrigue around it.

I think human beings should work on not trying to understand the mechanics of everything and anything that happens to them, and just accept them as they are, and interpret it in their own way. Then perhaps there would be a little less violence and bloodshed in this world.

The Seething Rain Weeps For You

Wow, it's been almost three months since I last updated this. So much for my resolution to blog regularly. Anyway, it's a new year and a new life for me now. Things are a bit cluttered and messy now but I have three days off this week and I'm using the much-needed break time to get my act together and figure things out too.

The money situation is really bad now, to the point where my internet connection and phone line have been cut off, disconnecting me from friends and family (unless I'm with them or borrow someone's phone to make a call). The lack of money also makes it a better idea to stay at home and bum around instead of doing something I really want to do, like go out and watch a movie.

I also start school very soon. I really have no idea where I'm going to find the money for textbooks. I don't even know how I'm going to go print out my timetable. It's sickening, really, but I'd be stupid to complain or burst into tears or feel sorry for myself. That is not going to solve anything, so my best bet is to put on my game face, be grateful for what I still do have and soldier on.

In other happier news, I'm happy that I've started going on the treadmill again and watching what I eat. I've also started reading again, borrowing a slew of Murakami books from the library and a Banana Yoshimoto book I've always wanted to read. I also seem to be able to listen to nothing but Mew these days. I'm not complaining though, because I don't have enough money to buy new CDs anyway, or download something new.

Off to go wash my hair and dig through the crap in my room to see if I can salvage anything. I'll end this self-pitying post by sharing some lyrics to a song that's been haunting me for the past few weeks. I don't quite know what the lyrics mean, but then I don't understand most of Mew's lyrics, just like most of Murakami's prose. I've given up on trying to understand them, and instead I just let it flow through me like rain. It's the atmostphere that they generate, you know? I guess I'm not making sense.

FOX CUB
by Mew


No more trying
Too much terribleness these days
And what you thought was true
Well, they were lying to you
And made a kid cry
So did you change the locks?
And did you hide the fox cub?
Don't make fun
Because we don't.

We'll Carry On, We'll Carry On

Just for the fun of it, here's my top ten list of guys that make me all giggly and vapid and 'whee!':

1. Alan Wilder (from Depeche Mode)
- My idea of the perfect man: a musician with an acerbic wit, dark sense of humour and so unbelievably fucking gorgeous. Plus, he married a gypsy. I want to be a gypsy, dammit.

2. Sean Bean (actor)
- The most long-standing crush from my Lord Of The Rings harem, haha!

3. Viggo Mortensen (actor)
- Very close behind Sean Bean, and from the same, aforementioned harem.

4. Mikey Way (from My Chemical Romance)
- I know, I know. But their video has been playing non-stop on MTV (which I watch religiously when I'm on the treadmill) and that boy cleaned up real nice. Honourable mention: Frankie Iero from same band. Gerard Way would probably get an honourable mention too if he didn't go all Debbie Harry on us.

5. Shan Wee
- I don't even know what to say about this one. All my friends insist he's blank/obnoxious/resembles VivoCity (private joke) but he's definitely the most gorgeous man I've seen in person. Also, after listening to him on the radio a few times, it's pretty evident there's a wicked sense of humour lurking in those blank depths. And wicked sense of humour = always droolicious.

6. Lionel Messi (Barca/Argie football player)
- Popularly known as 'The Flea' in his native Argentina, it is easy to see why this young prodigy is the next great white hope for Argie futbol. Plus, he's so fuckin' cute that I want to pick him up and put him in my pocket. This has earned him the nickname 'Pocket Messi' amongst me and my bemused family members.

Well, I'm too tired to complete the rest of my list. I'll do it another day and hopefully supplement the list with photos as well. In the meantime, I shall debate whether Orlando Bloom will make it to my list or not, because he's more under the 'Guilty Pleasure' category. I mean, he's the only one from my list who is strictly eye candy. The rest have other talents and worthy attributes. The guy just looks good in a Pirate costume, full stop. We'll see my mood.

It's my day off tomorrow (today, actually) and I'm going to spend it cleaning the house. Whoop de fucking doo.

Make This Go On Forever

So I have finally decided to start blogging again. I think it's the lack of food (fasting month) plus lack of fresh air (the haze from hell) that has inspired me to find somewhere where I can complain. So here we go: new blog, new start, old rantings and ravings.

With all this haze drama, Singapore really does look like Silent Hill. Of course, I'm going to run like hell if any ash-babies or pyramid-head-shaped people come clawing after me on the MRT. I was kinda glad the haze went away during my birthday vacation in Batam, and now it's back with a vengeance.

Me: How come there's no firefighters trying to put out the fire in Indonesia?
Brother: Because they're all busy making ayam penyet?

That is so hysterically racist and stereotypical, but damn funny.

In other words, a good Sunday morning album to listen to is Josh Rouse's 'Subtitulo'. A really beautiful, light, tender album. Steer away if you hate bossa nova or Burt Bacharach-type-sipping-martinis music. But otherwise, it's something soothing and warm to melt into, like a cashmere sweater.

Happy Haze Day, people!