I See You As You Are

Two different things: a movie and an album, and the same theme running through them, which I think is pretty cool.

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Becky: I'm not into that... that whole external beauty thing, you know. 'Cause it... it doesn't last.
Gilbert: Right.
Becky: Eventually, your face is gonna get wrinkly...you'll get grey hair.
Gilbert: Sure.
Becky: Your boobs might sag. You know? So what? It's what you do
that really matters. Right?
Gilbert: Yeah, sure.

(From 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?', starring Johnny Depp as Gilbert and Juliette Lewis as Becky.)

---


I see who you are
Behind the skin
And the muscles

I see who you are, now
And when you get older later

I will see the same girl
The same soul
Lioness, fireheart
Passionate lover

And afterwards
Later this century
When you and I have become corpses

Let's celebrate now all this flesh on our bones
Let me push you up against me tightly
And enjoy every bit of you

I see who you are.

(From the song 'I See Who You Are', from the album 'Volta' by Bjork.)

The Price Is Wrong, Bitch

Andrew recommended that I watch 'Happy Gilmore', so I did and he was right, it's absolutely hilarious. There are at least 3 moments in there that are laugh-out-loud memorable. My favourite part is probably where Adam Sandler gets beaten up by Bob Barker. A classic comedy moment, man.

Didn't get to talk to him much tonight, because he had to work, but it's okay. It's really odd because, being the impatient, impulsive biyotch that I am, I would have thrown a hissy fit or started a poutfest if it were me a year or two ago. But now I'm probably slightly more mellow. Also, he makes me want to be a better person (i.e. cut down on the biyotch-ness) and with him, I'm just more Zen on the overall. Still, I miss him.

So much housework to catch up on. I haven't seen my floor in 3 months. Looking forward to finding missing books/CDs/friends who might be buried under all that mess.

Annie, Are You Okay? Are You Okay, Annie?

Get this: in the last 24 hours, in 2 separate incidents, 2 people have drowned in the reservoir near where I live. I know this sounds trite, but there seems to have been a lot of deaths recently. A colleague's grandma passed away, another colleague's uncle also passed away, and so did the Boredphucks drummer. I didn't know him personally although my ex-bandmates probably did. Still, it's really shocking when someone so young and healthy dies in their sleep.

It's a bit annoying now because people are coming out of the woodwork and claiming to a) know him personally b) know him through a friend of a friend c) patronised the same roti prata stall as him or whatever. I mean, come on people, why don't you leave the true grieving to the people who really knew him and loved him? It's an insult to his real friends and family for you to shed tears and claim he will be missed when you barely knew him while he was alive. It's definitely normal to feel sad and shocked that he's gone - I personally feel sad for his family - but to shed tears and set up memorial sites? Come on, man.

Anyway, I don't want to be Bitter Betty today. I shall enjoy my off days and ignore all negativity that comes my way. I'm sad that on Thursday, it'll be my last day working with a colleague who is leaving this week. One thing about working here is that it's notably transient: no one is here for the long term, except possibly the upper management. Still, it's obvious that everyone has an eye on the door. The only reason I'm still here is because of the people. And when that gets taken away, I'm not sure if there are any valid reasons to stay. Sigh.

AC Milan 2 - Liverpool 1

Woohoo, Milan won! In your face, Liverpuke! That's for beating Barcelona! And to make things sweeter, it was SuperPippo who scored both goals. Well technically, one of Pirlo's bounced off his upper arm, but the second one where he and Kaka beat the offside trap was brilliant. Sneaking the ball right under the goalie like that - tough and clever. That's SuperPippo for you. Man, how I missed watching him play with Bobo Vieri in the Italian national team back then.

In other news, I caught Pirates 3 and it wasn't as good as anticipated. Still, Orlando Bloom provided a lot of material for ogling, so I didn't feel as though I wasted that much time.

Recently I've also realised that a lot of people are giving me mixed CDs, which I am extremely happy about. Still, it's kinda like being a homeless person and suddenly everyone's rushing forward to give you clothes and soup and stuff. Still, I am most definitely not complaining and I'm savouring everything I can possibly get from kind friends with infinitely better music tastes.

Today My Heart Swings

I'm thinking of changing my blog name to www.islindathoughts.gov.www/islindathoughts. Tee hee hee.

OH! And also, who can forget the amazing season finale of The Office?!?! FINALLY we have some JAM action going on! Hopefully there won't be any Karen-shaped, Roy-shaped or even Toby-shaped inteference...

How Are Things On The West Coast?

Just listened to the new Interpol single 'The Heinrich Manouevre' and me like a LOT. I don't think they really changed their direction that much, but the catchy hooks and jangly guitars are still there, which makes me happy.

Another thing that makes me happy: Douglas Coupland finally added me back on MySpace! I love that man to pieces. I can't count the number of times he's been able to put into words the emotions I've always felt but been unable to put a name to.

I'll Be Your Parachute

I don't know how to do this
I don't know how to get through it
It's alright
It's alright

I can't stop loving you.

- Aqualung, 'Pressure Suit'

It's Like Learning A New Language

Oh God. I'm so gone. I'm so far gone. I know I'm falling for him. I don't even know if I should get out when I still can, or just get sucked in deeper and deeper. Especially when he looks at me, right into my eyes, and smiles that smile...I'm so fucking gone.

I don't even know what to do. Normally I run to my writing, or my friends, or my fantasy harem...it's so hard to think of those when I can't stop thinking about him. God, the way he looks at me....I just want to melt.

See, I'm so gone that I'm even incoherent now. Can't even type or write properly. What the hell? This has never happened to me before.

Should I go on exploring this with him to see if we get somewhere even if there is a possibility of getting hurt? Or should I abandon ship now before I become completely cynical and hard and incapable of giving 100% of myself to someone?

I don't even know anymore.

All The People That You've Loved, They're All Bound To Leave Some Keepsakes

There's nothing I love more than hanging out with friends until the wee hours, talking about nothing and everything, laughing ourselves silly and at the same time, talking about stuff (aka guy issues) to death. Most of my best memories consist of those long, surreal hours.

The idea of restricting myself to fantasy guys so I don't get hurt by a real one and staying unmarried and living in a flat with 48 cats is starting to sound more and more appealing every day.

And What A Thing, To Know What Could Be Instead

I'm undecided about you again
Mightn't be right that you're not here
It's double-sided, cause I ruined it all
- But also saved myself, by never believing you, Dear

Everything good, I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before

O' Sailor, why'd you do it?
What'd you do that for?
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

I have too been playing with fifty-two cards
- Just cause I play so far from my vest
Whatever I've got, I've got no reason to guard
What could I do, but spend my best

And after waiting, fighting patiently on my knees
All the other stuff tired itself out first, not me
And in its wake, appeared the touch and call
Of a different breed
One who set to get me wise, and got me there
And then, got me

And what a thing, to know what could be instead
Oh, what a blessed curse; to see
It took the agenda from its place in my bed
Made a merry paramour of me

O' Sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for?
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

O' sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for?
Giving me eyes to view it
As it goes by the boards.

---- Fiona Apple, 'O Sailor'

I'm Your Villain

After having soaked my brain in facts about the French Revolution for my upcoming assignment, I'm so bloody sick and tired of the whole damn thing. The only thing I can remember now is that those Jacobins were really bitchy. In the end, they themselves kena guillotined. So what does that tell you? Don't be a pain in the neck. Har har har.

I don't even want to look at my assignment. It really pales in comparison to the one I did for the Romans.

Anyway, I went to see Spidey 3 courtesy of Redz. It was really good overall, with some 'argh' parts here and there. The arc about the Sandman and Green Goblin Jnr. had me sniffling.

Oh, and a very girlish aside here: why does even a disfigured James Franco look so much hotter than a normal Tobey Macguire?

Searching For Something But I Don't Know What It Is

Lost souls, you and I, my dear
Whiskey bottle and a .45, my dear
We're on a roll, suitcase and cellophane, my dear
Whiskey bottle and a .45 satisfies, my dear
And someone's whispering into my ear
Asking softly, "What do you fear today?"

'Cause in faithless times
I know your hate
I've seen your crimes
I've felt your cruelty
In the bubble gum years
In the bubble gum years.

- Gomez, Bubble Gum Years

So You Wanna Spin The World Around

So I was going to whine and complain and angst about something that had happened to me when I found out about two pieces of extremely sad news:

1) A US gunman had gone on a shooting spree in a Virginia uni, killing 31 people.
2) Kurt Vonnegut had passed away.

Nothing can describe the profound sadness I felt when I heard the news regarding both events, and of course it made me realise that the world goes on regardless of anyone's heartbreak, and there are so much bigger things out there to worry or be sad about.

I hope I get through this week. However, one of the things that made it all a little better is that I got the grade I was hoping for, for my assignment on the Romans. Now I just have to concentrate hard on the upcoming one on the French revolution.

Goodbye, Kurt Vonnegut. So it goes.

Oh, Inverted World

So. Had a mini-crisis, called the best friend, cried my eyes out, then we both laughed at someone weird we both used to know a long time ago whom I bumped into at school. Turns out this weird guy, who we refer to as Mr. Osama, actually went to Europe for 6 months. Still, it was nice bumping into him again, even if I did end up giggling at him.

Mini-meltdown averted. I shall now watch a bit of Ricky Gervais stand-up, then re-read Life After God and put Turin Brakes on full blast. Things can't go wrong when you're surrounded by your favourite things.

PS: I seriously don't know how I would ever cope without the best friend. Taking care of my little crises is a full-time job!

Caring Is Creepy

Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to live alone in a cabin and write odd, mystic songs like Nick Drake did. Or uproot myself and disappear into the middle of a Canadian pine forest with an old boy scout tent, just like Life After God.

Today I could feel myself inflate and deflate, inflate and deflate, and now I'm just past caring, I'm past any hope or redemption. This is the way I am, this is the person I am, perhaps I'm meant to be alone for most of my life, and the fact that I had any friends at all was just a fluke.

I'm not trying to be a drama queen, just....I think I've permanently deflated and I'm too tired and defeated to go on fighting it. I cannot keep trying to become another person just to please someone else and be their friend. Yet at the same time, I can't tell them "This is who I am, take it or leave it," because they will leave. So maybe it's better this way.

"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why." - Simon And Garfunkel

You Are The Only Person Who's Completely Certain There's Nothing Here To Be Into

"But I can't pretend
I don't need to defend
Some part of me from you

I know I've spent some time lying."

-- 'The New', Interpol

Damn it. I like you, but you're so far far away.

Why must all the good guys be gay/attached/living in Outer Mongolia? Sigh.

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I had no idea Aqualung has already released his third album. Shows what kind of fan I am. *snorts* It really deviates from his usual style though - all electro and Idioteque-ish. Why are all my favourite singers and bands undergoing radical musical plastic surgery?

It's Different Now That I'm Poor And Aging

Soooooo there's recently a lot of huge drama at work. After some good advice from a wise old (haha!) colleague, I've decided to call upon my patented LLAB method (Lay Low, Act Blur) to deal with the situation. I don't like politics and I prefer to get along with everyone at work, because it's where I spend 80% of my time, like it or not. Still, the people at work are pretty cool (Meow, you reading this? ;) and I really enjoy my job anyway.

The other 20% of my time is divided between school, my family and lepak time. Recently, school has been dominating everything and sadly leaving me with precious little lepak time. Good thing my friends are planning a massive outing at St James this Saturday, I seriously need to let my hair down and go nuts.

In other news: I have decided that Redz is right and The Editors don't really sound like a poor man's Interpol after all. I've been getting into their album recently and it's quite decent. Still, they can't send shivers down my spine the way Interpol does. Oh, to see them perform live! I would sell all my grandmothers and any remaining, dessicated relatives.

Just for fun: an update of my Top 5 Bands (this changes every week or so):

1) Turin Brakes
2) Mew
3) Interpol
4) Depeche Mode
5) Kings Of Convenience

Just got my copy of Death Note 2: The Last Name. I'm simultaneously gushing over the two handsome leads (three if you count Matsuda) and going "Kawaii!" like a demented Japanese schoolgirl, and also feeling horribly ashamed at unleashing my inner Ah Lian, sheesh!

Exceeder

So I have a huge major crush on Leonardo. No, not DiCaprio, although he's not a bad-looker. I actually mean Leonardo from the 1994 Brazil team which won the World Cup. Leonardo is now a sports correspondent with the BBC and hot damn the man is 3000 kinds of hawt.

I think it's because he kinda resembles Viggo Mortensen. But at the same time, I have a huge fetish for football players, past and present. They have this very manly presence about them that I simply cannot resist. So Leonardo is kinda like a 2-in-1 package.

Well, back to real life. I think I like him, although I'm trying to emotionally distance myself in case his interest is purely platonic, which I suspect it is. And why not? He's surrounded by so many pretty, interesting girls everyday. I'm just one of his many friends. Our different work locations and schedules would mean it would be difficult (but not impossible) to meet up. And also, he's younger than me.

I absolutely don't have a hang-up about the age factor, but he might. Oh, who am I kidding? If he was interested in the first place, he would have acted on it by now.

Now I understand why I live in my own world most of the time. Because the real world is kinda sucky by comparison.

You Don't Wanna Feel The Phantom Punch

Things I want:

- More money
- To go to Koh Samui!
- Just some time to sleep
- More time to finish my assignment
- Some self-discipline to stop eating and start exercising again, dammit!
- The new Sondre Lerche album
- The new Mew Live In Copenhagen DVD
- A sweet, gentle, indie Scandanavian boy. Floppy brown hair, earnest wide eyes and guitar playing skills an advantage but not required.

Alone In Kyoto

All I can say is that Pharrell Williams has the Midas touch whenever it comes to producing music. Really, anything that is produced by the Neptunes/N.E.R.D./Pharrell is bound to sound different, cutting-edge and ear-clingingly good. At the bare minimum, it will at least sound different from the crap some so-called 'hip hop artists' are churning out these days. Let's not name names, but singing hateful songs about your ex-wife is so 1999.

Listening to 'Yummy' by Gwen Stefani (featuring Pharrell) it makes me wonder if Pharrell listens to Depeche Mode. Some of the influences are definitely there.

Have not been to the store in days. I miss my colleagues!

In other words, this week has been hell. I was juggling management training, school, studying for the coffee master challenge AND attending a long-time friend's wedding. Luckily, the coffee master thing is already over and I've attended said wedding, but I still have to finish the 3 short essays as well as prepare for my Creative Thinking module. I'm just thankful I'm not taking 2 modules. If I was, I seriously think my sanity would have flown out the window and gone to Koh Samui on vacation.

Speaking of which....despite the bomb threats, I CANNOT WAIT TO GO TO BANGKOK! I seriously need a fuckin' break!!