Friday, February 13, 2009

Now Hang Me Up To Dry (You Wrung Me Out Too, Too, Too Many Times)

These days, I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like making conversation, I don't feel like empty small talk, or catch-up talk, or even everyday stuff in general. The effort of getting words out just seems overwhelming and I just start getting anxious and worried. I have no idea why it's like that. I know that I have 'off' days sometimes where I'm anti-social but these have been stretching out to a few weeks.

I only don't feel this way around a certain group of people, usually the ones who have known me forever and know that when I get like this, the only solution is to roll their eyes and leave me be for a while so I can wallow in emo for a while and then be okay again. But it's irritating that I don't have time to be around these people because of work or school.

My colleagues are pretty alright to talk to, because I can always divert the topics to work and THAT is a neverending source of discourse. But sometimes, some of them want to talk to me about other stuff and I find myself wanting to retreat. It's nothing personal, it's just that I feel like I need to step back and start observing people again.

I guess the best way to describe what I'm feeling now is that I feel like a very, very full jug that's about to spill and I need to pour some of the water out before I'm ready to be around people again. But I don't ever get opportunities to "pour some water out" because I seem to always be surrounded by people. Even at home, I'm constantly surrounded by my mum and brother who want to talk, talk talk.

I know I'm going to regret saying this one day when I'm old and lonely and living in a flat with 49 cats and I have no one, and that I really should be grateful that there are so many seriously fantastic people in my life. It sounds trite but I really do love them. I love my wacky, weird friends, I love my oddball family, I love my Finer Things Club, I love Zarina who has stood by me for 15 years, I love my crazy colleagues who can really brighten up a dull work day anytime.

But for now, I just need some quiet. And a little time to finish the evergrowing list of books to read, movies to watch and music to listen to. As the immortal saying by Cow and Chicken goes..."Is it a criimmmeeee?"