Nsync, dried flowers and Grey's Anatomy

Rules:

*Each blogger must post these rules first
*Each blogger must start with eight random facts/habits about themselves
*Bloggers tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things
*At the end of your blog, choose eight people to get tagged, and list their names

1. When I was young, I used to eat my mum's dried flowers and steal my neighbour's slippers.

2. There are a lot of things I don't like that most people I know like: hawaiian pizza, Grey's Anatomy, that damn ping-pong song by Enrique Iglesias.

3. I cannot stand the sight of blood, flesh and bone, but I'm extremely fascinated with serial killers.

4. I usually must read 2 books at a time, and it must always be one fiction and one non-fiction. I can't read 2 fiction or 2 non-fiction at one go. Why? Because I'm a psycho.

5. The best places I've travelled to are as follows: Koh Samui, London, Bangkok and Osaka.

6. I have a strong suspicion that I will never get married.

7. I will listen to any kind of music except country and German polka.

8. I secretly like to watch Oprah and listen to N'Sync and Westlife. If anyone calls me on it, I will pretend to laugh and scoff, then run away.

Since almost everyone on Multiply has been tagged, I shall tag the following victims:

Aliah
Jayine
Imah
Crystal
Ah Poh
Juanna
Almir
Eugenia

(If I didn't tag you, it's because I saw that you've already been tagged by someone else.)

Hopefully this will go through, no thanks to the stupid intermittent internet connection. *crosses fingers*

Colour The Small One

Apologies to everyone for the recent quiet spell. A lot of things happened to me last week - I quit my job, got a new job, lost my internet connection due to a faulty modem, sprained my back and missed out on both my birthday and Hari Raya. How horrible is that? I've only been able to watch from a miserable distance as everyone else was making preparations and having fun, but that has also rather excused me from having to help clean the house, haha. My best friend also turned up at my house at midnight on my birthday with a beautiful cake, so that more than made up for the fact that I've been stranded at home for the past week.

Still, a few good things came out of it. Watched a lot of DVDs, read a lot of books and found out from the acupuncturist that I have incredibly poor blood circulation and that if I hadn't come to her earlier, it would have resulted in more serious symptoms apart from a sprained back. Also, I've learnt to be a LOT more patient with those old people who walk along pathways very slowly, now that I've been walking like them for a week. Also, some people who I thought would remember my birthday didn't, and those who I thought would have forgotten totally surprised me. So it only goes to show that people always, always surprise you, and to expect any more or any less of them is stupid, especially when I'm guilty of some of the same things myself.

Tomorrow, I start my new job. As I was telling Redz, I hope that this doesn't start a whole round of job-hopping. But you know what, it's sort of like going on lots of dates before settling down with someone you're really serious about. I'd rather wait and job-hop before finding one job I really like, instead of trying to settle down into something straight away and ending up unhappy, which was the lesson I learned last month.

In any case, Selamat Hari Raya, folks. My deepest and sincerest apologies for any wrong that I may have done to you, intentionally or otherwise.

A Time To Be So Small

For the past week, I've been in a really weird mood that I haven't been able to suss out, and it's making me do and say weird things. It's mostly to do with work and my muddled thoughts about -what-the-hell-am-I-doing-with-my-life-and-career and the same old crap. Then earlier, I had a bit of an insight that helped to shed light on why I'm feeling this way.

I was logging into my school portal when I saw an ad (targetted at prospective students) about current students, the degree they're pursuing and what they eventually hope to achieve. There was one about this 50+ year old ang moh engineer who's taking the same course as me and eventually wants to be an English teacher, after a lifetime in engineering.

My first reaction was, "Wah, so old already, still want a career switch? What's the point?" Right there, I managed to pinpoint exactly why I've been feeling so down and weird recently. It was my own skewed perception that the main chunk of life is meant to be enjoyed in your youth, before you hit 40 or 50. At that point, I had these weird, preconceived ideas that you're supposed to be well established in your career and family life before then, not going back to school and making career switches.

But, the thing is, why not? Over half of my schoolmates in the English course are older than my parents. More than 90% of them are juggling full-time work, school and kids. I'm one of the odd ones out who don't have to get up at 4am for some alone time so they can finish their assignments without the kids bugging them. So why do I have the very biased thinking that life is over at 40, 50?

This ang moh engineer reminded me of my dad, roughly around the same age but at the other end of the spectrum. The other day, he messaged my brother to tell him that he had to cut my brother's monthly allowance of $200 in half, because "he needed to save for his old age." Granted, I understand my dad's motivations, but part of me is horrified that my dad doesn't even have any CPF money because he spent most of his life being self-employed and neglected to save any money for his retirement. Now, divorced, alone and broke, he has to skimp on the maintenance money he promised to my brother and my mum just so he has money for his old age.

Now, don't get me wrong, I fully intend to provide for my father once I'm older and he no longer has the capacity to work. But the thing is, if life is really over at 50 as I mistakenly think it is, then what about people like my dad, who don't even have any CPF savings to their name?

I think my biggest fear is that I don't want to end up like my dad. I've had people roll their eyes at me before when I said that, and I get the reply, "Nobody wants to be exactly like their parents, it's not only you." But they don't understand. I'm now recognising signs in myself that are EXACTLY like my dad - the short temper, extravagant spending, a tendency to blame others for our own mistakes. Looking at my own finances, I know it's only a matter of time before I'm 50 and I'm exactly like my dad, living alone with nothing but failed, empty dreams. It makes me sad for him, and it makes me afraid for myself.

I need to get over the mindset that I need to achieve whatever I want to achieve as quickly as possible because I feel that time is running out. It isn't, it's indifferent, it continues whether I agonise over it or not, and I get another year older still stuck in the same rut despite my fretting and whining and overanalysing things. Some things have changed this year, and I actually am happier in the department of friends and family, and I have to work on a couple of other things and just, well, stop complaining about everything and stop having these weird ideas.

Pace Is The Trick

I'd always imagined that my heart was always behind a high-walled fortress, secured with state of the art technology and guarded by huge, burly security guards twice the size of Vin Diesel. But deep down I know better, I know that my heart's guarded by nothing except a battered door barely hanging onto its rusty hinges, and that if I blink for a second, anyone can get past and do their worst. Or their best. So far, it's always been the first one.

I know I'm too flighty, too impulsive, too easily ruled by my emotions. This makes me an ideal candidate for heartbreak, and if it weren't for the advice from more pragmatic friends, I might be worse off than I am today.

At the moment, I'm not too sure what to do. I think burying myself in work and school is a good idea. I should stay away from matters of the heart for a while. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. If all I have for protection is a rusty door, then I have no business being open to attack from any Tom, Dick or Harry.

Or Andrew.

Watch The World Spinning Gently Out Of Time

You said that we haven't talked in so long, wished that it was more often than this.

I wish it too, but don't you see? I stay away not because I don't care, but because I care too much, and if I don't guard myself, it will be me all on my own, left in the dark, while you battle your own demons.

It's easier not to care, but since I do, I have to pretend that I don't.

Not For All The Love In The World

Just came back from a lovely so-called 'aunty dinner' with Aliah and Imah, and we're so going to do one again during the fasting month and try to drag Crystal (+ Phang) and Azilah (+ Fuad) along, as well as Ariff. This time, we MUST remember to take pictures in a weak attempt to be camera whores.

This month is going to be SO chaotic. Fasting month starts in 2 days, my friend Marcus will be touching down in Singapore in 3 days, and I have almost zero off days this month because the store is opening and we're short of staff. I'm glad to help out, because work's fun, but coupled with another 2 upcoming essays due and the birthdays of a lot of my close friends plus the weddings of 2 childhood friends, I'm beginning to feel like a very small pat of butter being spread very thinly on a very large slice of bread.

So please don't misunderstand if I'm extra quiet this month. But I so definitely want to meet up with ALL of you reading this. I just may not be so vocal, blogwise, unless I want to whine about more impromptu sepak takraw tournaments under my window.

For all cat lovers (and general decent people) please click on the link to >http://unpixilated.blogspot.com>help some poor cats that my friend Aliah is helping to care for at the moment.

Exchange Of The Day

New Colleague: Eh, how come just now I heard you speak Malay?
Me: Because I'm half Chinese, half Malay.
New Colleague: Oh! So you're halal?

The Way I Are

Trying to beef up my essay on science and religion now, which is due tonight, and just as I've settled comfortably and started making some progress, a group of foreign workers have decided to set up shop under my room window and now a sepak takraw tournament is under way. I live on the second floor, so I keep getting distracted by cries of 'Foul!' in Burmese and snatches of a rattan ball bobbing up and down outside my window.

Okay, I've decided to plug in my earphones and try to concentrate like hell. Hopefully they will tire out after an hour or two. Wish me luck, everyone.

PS: While researching for quotes on religion, I found this really dumb one by Linda Evangelista:

"It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher."

Everybody Knows That You're Insane

Just some quick updates:

- My new job kicks total ass.
- School is tiring, but fun in a masochistic kind of way.
- People are never, ever, ever what they seem. Ever.
- I need some new music to listen to.
- I need to be more forgiving
- My Swedish friend Marcus is moving here in about two weeks' time. Any suggestions as to how I can best get him assimilated into local culture and stuff? Where should I take him to, for a quick tour?
- Fasting month is already starting so soon! Am still bristling at a colleague who told a customer that 'fasting is optional'. WTF?
- Apologies to everyone: I know I've been quiet, but the madness will settle down soon, I promise. Hope that everyone is doing well, or at least not climbing the walls.

I Predict A Riot

Today was one of the worst working days that I have ever experienced. To top it all off, after work, I received a message from my store manager saying he "needed to talk to me about my work performance and attitude" after receiving feedback from the managers and partners. I got this sms just as I was about to settle down and try to forget today's horrible shift by watching Evan Almighty. That sms ruined the movie for me as well and it was all I could do not to sit there and fume.

After thinking it over for some time and wondering what my manager has to say (yet again), I did promise myself to keep an open mind and listen to what he has to say because if I am really in the wrong, I will definitely need this advice to change my attitude/whatever so it will help me as I progress to other jobs. But at the same time, there is the very distinct feeling of being picked on at work, as well as the fishy smell of favouritism wafting about the place.

I'm just about tired and done. The only real reason I'm staying is because of the people. And I rarely even get to work with the ones that I am staying for. And according to my store manager, they're all apparently giving him feedback about my 'lousy' performance. So my limit is almost up - tomorrow, I will listen with an open mind (as open as I can manage without wanting to throttle someone) and if I get the same old feedback, or worse, get wind of any backstabbing, I'm so out of there. I barely get to see Aliah, Azilah, A'an, Crystal and Ayie anyway even though I'm still working. So I might as well quit and arrange to meet them outside working hours, along with Imah and Lin.

My decision is not quite final yet, it really depends on tomorrow's outcome. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm just going to look forward to starting my new job. At least there'll be a break from all the drama, regardless of whether I quit or not.

Everything Is Everything

Many apologies for the lack of entries - been so busy and swamped with work, school, settling stuff for the new job, then falling sick....it's been a whirlwind. Being both broke and sick is no fun, let me assure you.

Despite being sick, I made myself go for Poptart because I already promised Redz, and ended up enjoying myself. They played a lot of songs that brought memories flooding back for all of us. It's funny how much we associate a particular period in our life (like secondary school, poly, etc) with certain songs or bands. There are some bands or songs that I don't listen to anymore because they bring on such strong emotions. I usually steer clear of them unless I'm in the mood or if I'm alone.

I'd better get going on my assignment which is due on 4 September as well as cleaning my room before the fasting month begins. Time seems to be running out pretty fast, even when I'm sick and supposed to be resting, bah.

A suitable snippet from a long-forgotten song that we heard during Poptart tonight:

"We were sure we'd never see an end to it all
And I don't even care to shake these zipper blues
And we don't know
Just where our bones will rest
To dust I guess
Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below."

- Smashing Pumpkins, '1979'

Someday, When My Life Has Passed Me By

Just came back from the first day of Singfest and a night out at St James, then supper at the ridiculously overpriced Station Kitchen. How about that, ladies and gentlemen? I've gone from not having stepped inside a club for at least 2 years to going 3 times in a week. And I must admit that it's incredibly enjoyable and addictive. I'd like to keep going to Poptart, at least.

Singfest was actually not bad. I was initially in a blue funk and reluctant to go, but Sharon and her lovely friend Wei Ling persuaded me to go (using good old Singaporean common sense "Since you're already here, might as well go, mah..") and I ended up having an unbelievable time. Cyndi Lauper is an amazing, energetic woman who roilly does talks loike dis, ya kno? Shaggy was predictably corny, but very fun to dance along to. He was even invited to join Cyndi on stage for a duet of 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun', the rasta version.

The Stranglers weren't as well known in Singapore and the poor guys were largely ignored except by an overenthusiastic bunch of balding ang mohs in the front row. Still, I recognised their theme song for Keith Floyd's show as well as the Snatch hit 'Golden Brown' and 'Always The Sun'.

For me, the best band of the night were Sugar Ray, who were warm, energetic and genuinely friendly - they even gave out their hotel room number to the crowd, man. They played all the crowd favourites even though I was wistful that they had left 'RPM' off their repertoire. The Pet Shop Boys were also a lot of fun, although they played mostly new material and didn't play my favourite songs. The only classics I recognised were 'West End Girls', 'Go West', 'Se A Vida Ae' and 'Opportunities.' Other than that, they played mostly new songs off 'Minimal'. The choreography was really good though, as well as the set design, and one of the dancers was the spitting image of a taller Elijah Wood.

Hope the rest of you enjoy the second day of Singfest, let me know how it went and whether you guys were elbowed or mauled by more drunk ang mohs.

Musical Chairs

Today, I was telling Andrew something that was really very important to me, and the look on his face and his reaction told me everything. I thought I already had very low expectations of 'us' and what we were, but tonight his reaction pretty much woke me up to the fact that I might have been harbouring far more hopes than I let myself believe I was. In short, I've really been deluding myself.

This happens just when I was promising Redz that I wouldn't over-analyse things or hope for too much. Still, I don't think I had been hoping too much. A good reaction from Andrew was something I would have expected from any good friend.

Been listening to this new band called Ghosts (formerly known as Polanski) and their song 'Musical Chairs' really describes how I'm feeling now.

We run around 'til the music stops
How can I help you if you don't let me in?
I can't tell if we're sane or not
How can I help you if you don't let me in?
Maybe this ain't the game for us
How can I help you if you don't let me in to your life?

Fuck. I didn't think it would hurt this much. But it does. Good thing that both school and my new job starts this week. Then I can at least take my mind off things.

Friday I'm In Love

Wow. Today was one of the best days ever. The Cure concert was pretty decent (they played all the songs I wanted to hear, even if the gig stretched a bit too long, clocking in at 3 hours plus plus...) but I had the most fun ever later at Poptart, which was this indie music event at the Butter Factory.

I normally don't enjoy going clubbing, but dancing to the sounds of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Blur, Kaiser Chiefs, Suede (old school Suede!) and Morrissey with some of your dearest friends in the world is one of the best feelings I have ever had.

To those who were there with me for both the Cure and Poptart, you know you who are. Thanks for one of the best nights ever!

Just Like Heaven

Since a few of us are blogging about Uncle Bob and his friends coming to town and performing tomorrow and posting their lyrics, I decided to post my favourite lyrics of theirs also lah!

I hope they play this song tomorrow!

'Why are you so far away?' she said
'Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you,
That I'm in love with you?'

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water, you're just like a dream
Just like a dream.

- "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure

You're A Rocket Through Me

For the past week, it seems like the word of the day has been 'infidelity'. Now, I don't like to judge people and pretend to be some kind of moral compass or paragon of virtue. But one thing I absolutely cannot stand is infidelity. I've seen first-hand the damage it is capable of and how it tears relationships apart and destroys everything in a family or relationship.

Now, I am no stranger to temptation and I have to admit that I've been tempted before while in a relationship. However, I've never indulged in those temptations, because I had to think about how the other party would feel and how I would feel if I were cheated on. It's one of the worst things in the world and I think that it's something incredibly difficult to recover from and forgive.

There is absolutely no good reason to cheat on someone. If you're feeling neglected or unfulfilled regarding your current relationship, tell the bugger you're with and sort things out. If the relationship cannot be salvaged, break it off before you go off gallavanting with someone else. The main reason people don't break off their current relationship before cheating is because they want to have some kind of safety-net. In case things don't work out with Guy/Girl #2, they can always go back to Poor Sap #1.

Then again, there are relationships where both partners cheat on each other. These are the ones that baffle me the most. I'm not saying it is right because "it doesn't hurt anyone" as both parties have an 'understanding' but it's ripping value from the sanctity of marriage and the idea of being in love with one person and making sacrifices to be with that person.

At the end of the day, I guess I'm just disgusted with how some people are pissing all over the idea of being 'faithful' and thinking it is an option, not a must. Have our values degenerated to such a point where so many marriages end in divorce and the term 'MBA' (married but available) has become so commonplace that it's a joke?

Thankfully, there are still some people I know who scoff at infidelity, and there are some couples who give me some hope that not everyone can't keep their pants on. As Chris Rock famously said, "Every man is only as faithful as his options." That may be true on the surface, but at least I know of a couple of guys who would be glad to prove him wrong.

An End Has A Start

This is probably very meaningless, unexciting and bo-liao, but I thought it was interesting.

I was playing Text Twist (thanks to Redz, who reminded me of its addictiveness) and listening to my Itunes library on shuffle mode. As I was guessing the words, there were quite a few that I didn't manage to guess.

Interestingly, they corresponded with the song that was playing at the time (at random):

Word missed out: "Rev"
Song playing at the time: "Holes" - Mercury Rev

Word missed out: "Arcade"
Song playing: "Ocean Of Noise" - The Arcade Fire

Word missed out: "Editor" and "Edit"
Song playing: "An End Has A Start" - The Editors

Weird, huh? It still doesn't beat the time I read the word "fox cub" in a Murakami book and at that exact moment, my iPod shuffle played the song "Fox Cub" by Mew.

In case you've guessed that I'm a fan of random coincidences, you're a genius.

I Just Want Something, Something For Nothing

Sometimes I look at you and I think that you're maybe the only person I have met so far who has the potential to understand me inside out. And sometimes, I look at you and I wonder if you will ever let down these impenetrable walls that you've built around yourself all these years. Sometimes you let me have a peek, just the quickest glimpse, and I see the stuff that I've been looking for in a person for so long.

I don't know when you're going to let me in and fully trust me. It's still too early for that, we've known each other for a few months but I find that you understand me better than some people who have known me for years. And I do understand you, but sometimes I don't know how to tell you that without making light of your situation.

I'm not in love with you - I'm not that naive or stupid to think that love (the true, deep, tried-and-tested, go-through-all-kinds-of-shit, unconditional kind) can develop so easily over such a short period of time, but if I continue down this path with you, in a year or maybe even ten, it is definitely going to happen.

I just hope that I'm not chicken-shit enough to stay through the rough times and still be here when it happens. Although you're so closed-up and secretive, sometimes you say the most astounding things to me that give me hope that I will still be here always, as I promised.

"Alright, so I guess I owe you some form of payment then."
"Your continued existence alone is payment enough."

This Is The End, The Final Showdown

So it's finally over. Brazil has won the Copa America, beating my beloved Argentina 3-0, one of which was an own goal by Ayala. I can't imagine how he feels, being the team captain and accidentally sabo-ing his country with an own goal. Poor guy.

They just showed a teary-eyed Pablo Aimar on TV. ARGGHH I cannot tahan!

I don't know what's wrong with Argentina today. They were in top form during the match against Mexico, but Brazil were smart enough to stop the Argies from getting into the rhythm of the game. Once they establish that particular rhythm (usually led by Riquelme) it's hard to stop them. So the Brazilians amassed a ridiculous number of yellow cards and fouls JUST to stop Argentina from gaining momentum. Sad, but I have to take my hat off to Brazil for knowing which tactics to use.

Poor Argentina - I hope they don't become a perpetual underdog, because they are far too brilliant a team for that. I'll be crossing my fingers for South Africa 2010 - players like Messi, Mascherano and Tevez will be older and far more formidable. That will be our year.

In the meantime, please let me wallow in depression as I watch my poor boys accept the silver medals.

¡Ay Caramba!

Tonight (or rather, tomorrow morning at 8.50am Singapore time) Argentina will be playing against Mexico in the Copa America semi-final. I'm so bloody excited but pissed because I have to work! I really want to watch the match but I don't think I can find a replacement for tomorrow in such a short time. Sigh.

Argentina has a really good chance of beating Mexico because the main Mexican striker (Castillo) is injured. True, Crespo (Argentine striker) is also injured, but the coach has a wealth of talent to choose from. Most likely, Messi (Pocket Messi is my family's nickname for my favourite player ever, haha) will be in the starting line-up and it's either Tevez or Milito who will pair up with him. In midfield, the playmaking wizard Riquelme will DEFINITELY be featured, unless the coach Basile goes nuts mid-match and pulls him out, just like the previous coach Pekerman.

I really hope Argentina win this one and go on to kick Brazil's ass. I mean, Brazil is a good team, I have to admit, but I'm sick of their overinflated ego and showboating. If they didn't have Robinho, they would have been chopped up by Uruguay into guacamole (Ronaldinho and Kaka opted to sell- sorry, sit out.) It's time for a -real- team to win the Copa. And Argentina seriously deserve it after what they had gone through in last year's World Cup.

Crossing my fingers and toes and eyes for them. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WIN!

With A Little Help From My Friends

What do I do when I'm angry and depressed? I do the first sensible thing that I've done in months - I stay away from the internet and hang out with my friends and colleagues. The second sensible thing? For the past few days, I have been listening to nothing but pop and dance music. Because it's mindless, it's fun and you don't have to think. And there's really nothing wrong with that. Because if you think too much, either your brain is going to explode, or you're going to go berserk and gun down your local post office. And I'm quite fond of our neighbourhood postman.

I thought I would be getting 2 weeks off to clear my head and get my act together, but apparently not. I have so many errands to run and stuff to finish that I really need to make full use of the 2 off days I do have.

Although there has been a lot of criticism of Live Earth, I really think they got two things right: friends and pop music. Because those two things have a curious but indisputable way of curing what ails you.

Nobody Loved You

In this world, personality and character counts for nothing. Proof in point: you can be extremely good-looking and literally get away with murder, but no one cares if you're ugly and intelligent/funny/smart/hardworking/whatever, because the good-looking person will always have the upper hand.

I don't care anymore about the whole don't-judge-a-book-by-its-cover because that is just simply bullshit. Human beings will do what is natural for our survival - assess the potential threat at a glance, then size them up immediately based on appearance. Whatever second impressions there are later are just flukes or accidental.

Although there are a few people out there who still believe in the goodness of people or the fact that personality overpowers looks, I give them a maximum of 10 years to become utterly jaded and cynical. There is no use fighting the system. Otherwise, why would the cosmetic surgery industry be raking in billions?

And yes, I'm pissed off right now and hurt and angry and disappointed, but it's not the first time, and it sure as hell won't be the last.

Erase And Rewind

Finally we had 'The Talk'. I can't describe how relieved I feel in so many ways. We're probably going to talk about this again later, but in the meantime, a lot of my concerns and fears were addressed. I finally know what's going on and it wasn't half as bad as I imagined. Things are going to get better.

I remember friends who have told me that I was foolish, and even a colleague who frankly told me that this was 'stupid' and 'not to waste my time'. And I also had friends who encouraged me, who listened to me go on for hours and who really understood and never judged me. The thing is, I knew that both groups really cared about my welfare, because it takes a lot of guts to stand up to your friend and tell them that you're afraid they're doing the wrong thing and they're only going to get hurt in the end.

I have to admit that I still don't know what's going to happen. But I do know that it's not as bleak as I imagined, and there is a lot more hope now.

But I Want Something Good To Die For

I can go with the flow
But don't say it doesn't matter anymore
I can go with the flow
Do you believe it in your head?

- Queens Of The Stone Age, 'Go With The Flow'

I Got Sunshine In A Bag

The Good:

- My friends have stopped arguing and are meeting up again. I think.
- Andrew's back!
- A lot of my colleagues are getting better jobs and better prospects.
- Finally finished downloading Season 1 of Daria!
- Will be meeting up with some people who I've missed dearly.
- Going back to school soon. Sounds insane but I missed it a lot.

The Bad:

- Those said colleagues have left/would be leaving and while I'm happy for them, work seems so much more dreary without them.
- It's hotter than hell these past few days. Feels like my own room is a Turbochef oven.
- My GST rebate thingy's already spent - damn school fees.

The Ugly:

- Something must have crawled into my room and died, but I honestly can't find the source of the smell, man.

------
EDIT: Add this to the 'Bad' section: Thierry Henry joined Barcelona! What the FUCK? Get out of my club, you over-smug Frenchie!

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab

I can't remember being this depressed in quite a long time. Feels like everything's going wrong. Feels like I'm watching a train wreck happening frame by frame in slow motion, and I can't do anything to stop it. Because it's always been me, me, me: I'm the one causing my own train wrecks, and I always stand aside and helplessly let them happen instead of going to do something about it.

I can't stem this one - the usual tricks are not working. Distracting myself with books, movies, whatever - I still end up feeling hollow, like I'm cheating myself somehow. It's either feeling nothing or feeling depressed, and I don't know which is worse.

Who knows? Maybe I just need some sleep. Or a good kick in the ass.

Hope Of Deliverance

Sigh. Since they've started playing Paul McCartney's CD at work, the songs have been playing repeatedly inside my brain. This is one of my favourites. And the lyrics are very, very apt as well.


HOPE OF DELIVERANCE


I will always be hoping, hoping.
You will always be holding, holding
My heart in your hand. I will understand.

I will understand someday, one day.
You will understand always,
Always from now until then.

When it will be right, I don’t know.
What it will be like, I don’t know.
We live in hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us.

And I wouldn’t mind knowing, knowing
That you wouldn’t mind going, going along with my plan.

When it will be right, I don’t know.
What it will be like, I don’t know.
We live in hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us.

-----
On another note: Imah, I miss you already! I miss Ah Poh too!

Until You Understand

A colleague recently posted a question inside the Comm Book (to you non-SB folks, it's like a book where everyone writes messages, their thoughts, etc) asking how does one attain happiness. His question set the ball rolling for my own train of thought, and it's been something that I've been questioning lately.

I found this article inside a deserted copy of O Magazine that I'd like to share with you guys - I think it's really meaningful and it does answer some questions.

----

ONLY CONNECT
by Sharon Salzberg

After the bomb fell on Hiroshima, even greater panic swept the city when rumours spread that the cherry blossoms would never bloom again. The thought that nature's cycle had been destroyed added a sense of hopelessness to the devastation people were already suffering.

In times of trauma or loss or fear, we look to a world not defined by our pain in order to heal; we try to find a context of still-existing goodness. We turn to nature or relationships or a belief in God, seeking strength in our connection to what is unbroken. We look for affirmation that growth and restoration are possible.

Faith is the quality of the heart that impels us to seek what is constant and whole. The sense of connection can be found in vastly different ways: in classically religious pursuits or ones that are completely secular; in music and art, meditation or service to others; with groups in city rooms or in the forest on one's own.

We need faith because despite our desire for the center of our lives to hold firm, we see that it never does. We're planning a career move, when suddenly illness threatens everything. We've settled comfortably into being alone, when we meet someone and fall in love. In life there is always change, and change can be uncomfortable, even terrifying.

We may try to deny the dynamic nature of change, telling ourselves, "I know it will all work out exactly the way I want it to." We may call this faith, but in fact it is no more than hope - a hope that is no longer energised and alive but has become fixed and brittle. And in reality, this hope is a subtle form of fear.

To be open to life, we need to first acknowledge what we cannot control. We can then begin to value - and trust in - our own inner strength and wisdom, which can remain unbroken no matter our circumstances. We can develop faith in a bigger picture of life, one that recognises that whatever we face, we are held in a web of interconnection - we're not cut off and alone.

Conventional wisdom says the opposite of faith is doubt. But doubt, applied in the right way - as curiosity and a willingness to question - can enrich and enliven our faith. I believe the true opposite of faith is the sundering of connection, the desolate certainty that the cherry trees will never bloom again. It is the experience of utter isolation, or despair.

In contrast, faith helps us approach life with a sense of possibility rather than foreboding or helplessness. It dares us to imagine what we might be capable of. It enables us to reach for what we don't yet know with a measure of courage. It gives us resilience in times of difficulty, and the ability to respond to challenges without feeling trapped. My own faith has taught me that whatever disappointments I might meet, I can try again, trust again, and love again.

----

A Hard Day's Night

The Beatles greatly amuse me. On one of my favourite albums, 'With The Beatles', there are so many heartsick love songs, and suddenly the album ends with the song 'Money' which declares "Your lovin' give me a thrill, but your lovin' don't pay my bills, now give me mooooney...." One is left to wonder what all the whinging and whining love songs are supposed to amount to.

Talking to Aliah about rediscovering things that we loved in our childhood but have forgotten about, I think that rediscovering such loved relics of the past brings an inexplicable joy that's hard to duplicate. Aliah was talking about this book/TV series called 'Worst Witch' and how she used to love it some time ago, but forgot all about it. As for me, I've been rediscovering the music of Supergrass as well as these old Beatles cartoons I used to watch, where poor Ringo Starr was made to be the butt of all the jokes. It does have an interesting episode where John Lennon was mistaken for a pineapple and canned. Ah, people in the 60's must have really puffed the magic dragon a LOT to have such imaginations.

I had always thought my first crush was John Taylor (of Duran Duran...please don't laugh) but thinking back, it must have been George Harrison because of the memories from the Beatles cartoons. Still, gotta love what John Lennon said about how they came up with their band name: "It came in a vision — a man appeared on a flaming pie and said unto them, 'From this day on you are Beatles with an A'."

There's A Starman Waiting In The Sky

I don't know why I've been in such an introspective mood recently. It's probably not the best idea when I'm all drugged up on antihistamines and cough medicine, but I guess all these thoughts have been occupying my mind for some time now - the forced sabbatical may have simply brought them to the forefront.

Looking at people I used to know, or the people currently in my life now, they all seem to be moving forward and doing meaningful things with their lives, or at least things I have always wanted to do with my life. And I keep wondering how we ended up on different sides of the fence - them Accomplishing Stuff, and me simply indulging in Wishful Thinking.

Looking back, I can't really blame anyone else but myself. I've made a lot of bad choices, particularly two that will always affect my life. But I can't undo those two bad mistakes, so what do I do? Are they always going to haunt me and the rest of the future? Or is it only if I let them affect me? Sometimes I can't tell the difference between overly pessimistic thinking and facing up to reality.

It's probably just the medication talking, but I really need to think about the direction my life is going in. I feel stuck in a rut, and I need to get out fast before I get too comfortable.

We Are The Earth Intruders

(Normally I don't really like these quiz thingies, but this one seemed really interesting. Stole this from Jayine's blog.)

Q: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER "S"
A: Sathia (my best friend's husband)

Q: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH AN "A"
A: Aliah! And Andrew, of course.

Q: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER "C"
A: Cassie, Crystal, Nguan (also known as 'Chunky Butt')

Q: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS:
A: Redzman.

Q: DO YOU CHEW ON STRAWS?
A: Yup, I chew them until they become completely unrecognisable.

Q: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR?
A: Curly and wavy, until I straightened it. But the curls are fighting back...

Q: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU'RE GOING TO?
A: Hopefully the Cure! *crosses fingers with Aliah*

Q: WHO IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE?
A: This question is rather subjective because I think all of my friends are cool in some way, otherwise we wouldn't be friends. What a politically correct answer, man. But it's true!

Q: WHAT WORD DO YOU SAY A LOT?
A: "Fuck!" and "Aiyah, what to do?" and "Seow."

Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
A: KFC and medicine. Not together, of course. I'm not that insane.

Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST DRINK YOU DRANK?
A: Tanzania coffee.

Q: WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CHATTED WITH ONLINE?
A: Andrew

Q: DO YOU WATCH TV?
A: Mostly animated shows like Simpsons, Futurama, etc. Also the occasional rerun of Seinfeld. Right now I'm really into British comedy that can only be accessed via YouTube and old DVDs, sadly. Guilty pleasure = Heroes (I like to sneer at American TV.)

Q: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
A: Yup. Watched it 3 times and I still don't get a bloody thing. Just ended up with an irrational dislike for Jake Gylen-whats-his-face.

Q: DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW?
A: No, not until July.

Q: EVER GONE HUNTING?
A: For CDs and books, yes.

Q: IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
A: Not really sure. Right now most things are uncertain.

Q: WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW?
A: Resting / Sleeping / Sorting out mp3s into folders.

Q: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A: Most people call me "Issssss" and "Oi, stop going through my bag!"

Q: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
A: Humans are creatures of impulse and intuition, so if you put those two things together, there definitely is a possibility of that happening. I thought it happened to me once, but apparently not.

Q: ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
A: Yup. My mum complains that I can sleep through a cyclone, tornado, earthquake and tsunami rolled into one.

Q: DO YOU CLEAN UP NICE?
A: I rarely bother to dress up because I know the people who are close to me will value me for who I am, not what I look like, which translates to = I'm lazy.

Q: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD?
A: Maybe 15 years ago? I fell on my bum and all my cousins pointed and laughed at me.

Q: WHERE WAS THE LAST PLACE YOU SLEPT BESIDES YOUR HOUSE?
A: The store chalet at Costa Sands, although we didn't technically 'sleep' but yakked the night away...

Q: BEST MOVIE YOU'VE SEEN IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS?
A: 'Zodiac' which ironically had Jake Gylen-whats-his-face but the movie was actually pretty good, if a bit draggy.

You Said You'd Always Fall For The Underdog

Talking to Aliah about our FBOAT (Favourite Band Of All Time) has reminded me of how much I love the Brakes. Aliah's FBOAT is Rialto, who sadly split up rather prematurely but left behind a really good album. Mine is the Brakes, whom I've unconditionally supported even when they sold out for a very minor period of time in their attempt to break the American market. Still, they came back and produced an album that reduced me to tears so all is well and forgiven.

I was scolded recently for abandoning the Manic Street Preachers, whom I adored so much in poly. Still, have you heard their latest effort? It's bloody pop! They're blatantly selling out without any remorse whatsoever! I was just speechless when I heard it. Blatant selling out + horrific songwriting = no forgiveness from me at all. Still, I was given a huge lecture by two of my friends, one an everlasting Man U fan and another a massive Garbage fan who both yelled at me for being a fairweather fan.

I guess our tastes change when we get older, but I really don't see it as deserting a sinking ship. I really do think the Manics stink now. No doubt that I still love their old stuff and listen to it on a regular basis, but their efforts now disappoint me hugely because they smack of commercialism. So I don't know.

Still, I will always and forever love the Brakes, because they've always been there for me for the high and low points of my life, and I will never be able to express in words what they manage to express for me through their music. And that's the way we all feel about our FBOAT, right?

I'm Afraid Of Americans

Man. Islinda's foot, kindly meet mouth. I overreacted hysterically to a very innocent and simple misunderstanding. Thank God he was so nice about it. No doubt he was affected in some way, but I really have to watch this impulsive urge of mine to overreact, man. It's gotten me into trouble so many times, and one day it's going to kill a really meaningful relationship or friendship that I'm going to regret forever.

I really love the David Bowie song 'I'm Afraid Of Americans'. It ends with the chorus "God is an American." You must get the Nine Inch Nails remix for that one.

The closest I've come to having a crush on an animated character is Trent Lane from the old TV show Daria. He's such a trip, man. Sure, he's a bum and he still stays at home with his parents and has no ambition or drive, but he's so super cool and we're always not sure whether he likes Daria or not. Oh well. Time to go watch more Daria and Buzzcocks!

This is Our Last Goodbye

Last day of work with Ah Poh. You will be sorely missed! No more conversations and rants about cool music, movies, books and strangely-shaped sex toys. Sigh.

In other news, Aliah pointed me towards this excellent UK game show about music trivia, called 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks'. It's more funny than educational, although I suspect the likes of Andrew (the walking mine of trivia) would kick Daniel Bedingfield's ass. I was also pleasantly surprised to see Dom Joly (!!!!) there! Dom Joly, my hero of Trigger Happy TV fame!

Watching the show reminded me how much I love The Stone Roses. So here's a useless list of songs I can't seem to stop listening to, and which I would recommend anyone to poke at for fun.

- Interpol, 'The Heinrich Manouvre'
- The Stone Roses, 'Waterfall'
- The Coral, 'Dreaming Of You' and 'Waiting For The Heartaches'
- Captain Beefheart, 'My Human Gets Me Blues'
- Bjork, 'I See Who You Are' and 'Earth Invaders'
- The Arctic Monkeys, 'Do The Bad Thing' and 'This House Is A Circus'
- Aqualung, 'Pressure Suit'
- The Beta Band, 'Wonderful'
- Bauhaus, 'Bela Lugosi's Dead'
- Nouvelle Vague, 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'
- Lo-Fidelity Allstars, 'Battleflag'
- The Bravery, 'Believe'
- Mercury Rev, 'Tonite It Shows'
- Explosions In The Sky, 'The Only Moment We Were Alone'
- Feeder, 'Pain On Pain'
- Franz Ferdinand, 'What You Meant'

I See You As You Are

Two different things: a movie and an album, and the same theme running through them, which I think is pretty cool.

---

Becky: I'm not into that... that whole external beauty thing, you know. 'Cause it... it doesn't last.
Gilbert: Right.
Becky: Eventually, your face is gonna get wrinkly...you'll get grey hair.
Gilbert: Sure.
Becky: Your boobs might sag. You know? So what? It's what you do
that really matters. Right?
Gilbert: Yeah, sure.

(From 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?', starring Johnny Depp as Gilbert and Juliette Lewis as Becky.)

---


I see who you are
Behind the skin
And the muscles

I see who you are, now
And when you get older later

I will see the same girl
The same soul
Lioness, fireheart
Passionate lover

And afterwards
Later this century
When you and I have become corpses

Let's celebrate now all this flesh on our bones
Let me push you up against me tightly
And enjoy every bit of you

I see who you are.

(From the song 'I See Who You Are', from the album 'Volta' by Bjork.)

The Price Is Wrong, Bitch

Andrew recommended that I watch 'Happy Gilmore', so I did and he was right, it's absolutely hilarious. There are at least 3 moments in there that are laugh-out-loud memorable. My favourite part is probably where Adam Sandler gets beaten up by Bob Barker. A classic comedy moment, man.

Didn't get to talk to him much tonight, because he had to work, but it's okay. It's really odd because, being the impatient, impulsive biyotch that I am, I would have thrown a hissy fit or started a poutfest if it were me a year or two ago. But now I'm probably slightly more mellow. Also, he makes me want to be a better person (i.e. cut down on the biyotch-ness) and with him, I'm just more Zen on the overall. Still, I miss him.

So much housework to catch up on. I haven't seen my floor in 3 months. Looking forward to finding missing books/CDs/friends who might be buried under all that mess.

Annie, Are You Okay? Are You Okay, Annie?

Get this: in the last 24 hours, in 2 separate incidents, 2 people have drowned in the reservoir near where I live. I know this sounds trite, but there seems to have been a lot of deaths recently. A colleague's grandma passed away, another colleague's uncle also passed away, and so did the Boredphucks drummer. I didn't know him personally although my ex-bandmates probably did. Still, it's really shocking when someone so young and healthy dies in their sleep.

It's a bit annoying now because people are coming out of the woodwork and claiming to a) know him personally b) know him through a friend of a friend c) patronised the same roti prata stall as him or whatever. I mean, come on people, why don't you leave the true grieving to the people who really knew him and loved him? It's an insult to his real friends and family for you to shed tears and claim he will be missed when you barely knew him while he was alive. It's definitely normal to feel sad and shocked that he's gone - I personally feel sad for his family - but to shed tears and set up memorial sites? Come on, man.

Anyway, I don't want to be Bitter Betty today. I shall enjoy my off days and ignore all negativity that comes my way. I'm sad that on Thursday, it'll be my last day working with a colleague who is leaving this week. One thing about working here is that it's notably transient: no one is here for the long term, except possibly the upper management. Still, it's obvious that everyone has an eye on the door. The only reason I'm still here is because of the people. And when that gets taken away, I'm not sure if there are any valid reasons to stay. Sigh.

AC Milan 2 - Liverpool 1

Woohoo, Milan won! In your face, Liverpuke! That's for beating Barcelona! And to make things sweeter, it was SuperPippo who scored both goals. Well technically, one of Pirlo's bounced off his upper arm, but the second one where he and Kaka beat the offside trap was brilliant. Sneaking the ball right under the goalie like that - tough and clever. That's SuperPippo for you. Man, how I missed watching him play with Bobo Vieri in the Italian national team back then.

In other news, I caught Pirates 3 and it wasn't as good as anticipated. Still, Orlando Bloom provided a lot of material for ogling, so I didn't feel as though I wasted that much time.

Recently I've also realised that a lot of people are giving me mixed CDs, which I am extremely happy about. Still, it's kinda like being a homeless person and suddenly everyone's rushing forward to give you clothes and soup and stuff. Still, I am most definitely not complaining and I'm savouring everything I can possibly get from kind friends with infinitely better music tastes.

Today My Heart Swings

I'm thinking of changing my blog name to www.islindathoughts.gov.www/islindathoughts. Tee hee hee.

OH! And also, who can forget the amazing season finale of The Office?!?! FINALLY we have some JAM action going on! Hopefully there won't be any Karen-shaped, Roy-shaped or even Toby-shaped inteference...

How Are Things On The West Coast?

Just listened to the new Interpol single 'The Heinrich Manouevre' and me like a LOT. I don't think they really changed their direction that much, but the catchy hooks and jangly guitars are still there, which makes me happy.

Another thing that makes me happy: Douglas Coupland finally added me back on MySpace! I love that man to pieces. I can't count the number of times he's been able to put into words the emotions I've always felt but been unable to put a name to.

I'll Be Your Parachute

I don't know how to do this
I don't know how to get through it
It's alright
It's alright

I can't stop loving you.

- Aqualung, 'Pressure Suit'

It's Like Learning A New Language

Oh God. I'm so gone. I'm so far gone. I know I'm falling for him. I don't even know if I should get out when I still can, or just get sucked in deeper and deeper. Especially when he looks at me, right into my eyes, and smiles that smile...I'm so fucking gone.

I don't even know what to do. Normally I run to my writing, or my friends, or my fantasy harem...it's so hard to think of those when I can't stop thinking about him. God, the way he looks at me....I just want to melt.

See, I'm so gone that I'm even incoherent now. Can't even type or write properly. What the hell? This has never happened to me before.

Should I go on exploring this with him to see if we get somewhere even if there is a possibility of getting hurt? Or should I abandon ship now before I become completely cynical and hard and incapable of giving 100% of myself to someone?

I don't even know anymore.

All The People That You've Loved, They're All Bound To Leave Some Keepsakes

There's nothing I love more than hanging out with friends until the wee hours, talking about nothing and everything, laughing ourselves silly and at the same time, talking about stuff (aka guy issues) to death. Most of my best memories consist of those long, surreal hours.

The idea of restricting myself to fantasy guys so I don't get hurt by a real one and staying unmarried and living in a flat with 48 cats is starting to sound more and more appealing every day.

And What A Thing, To Know What Could Be Instead

I'm undecided about you again
Mightn't be right that you're not here
It's double-sided, cause I ruined it all
- But also saved myself, by never believing you, Dear

Everything good, I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before

O' Sailor, why'd you do it?
What'd you do that for?
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

I have too been playing with fifty-two cards
- Just cause I play so far from my vest
Whatever I've got, I've got no reason to guard
What could I do, but spend my best

And after waiting, fighting patiently on my knees
All the other stuff tired itself out first, not me
And in its wake, appeared the touch and call
Of a different breed
One who set to get me wise, and got me there
And then, got me

And what a thing, to know what could be instead
Oh, what a blessed curse; to see
It took the agenda from its place in my bed
Made a merry paramour of me

O' Sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for?
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

O' sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for?
Giving me eyes to view it
As it goes by the boards.

---- Fiona Apple, 'O Sailor'

I'm Your Villain

After having soaked my brain in facts about the French Revolution for my upcoming assignment, I'm so bloody sick and tired of the whole damn thing. The only thing I can remember now is that those Jacobins were really bitchy. In the end, they themselves kena guillotined. So what does that tell you? Don't be a pain in the neck. Har har har.

I don't even want to look at my assignment. It really pales in comparison to the one I did for the Romans.

Anyway, I went to see Spidey 3 courtesy of Redz. It was really good overall, with some 'argh' parts here and there. The arc about the Sandman and Green Goblin Jnr. had me sniffling.

Oh, and a very girlish aside here: why does even a disfigured James Franco look so much hotter than a normal Tobey Macguire?

Searching For Something But I Don't Know What It Is

Lost souls, you and I, my dear
Whiskey bottle and a .45, my dear
We're on a roll, suitcase and cellophane, my dear
Whiskey bottle and a .45 satisfies, my dear
And someone's whispering into my ear
Asking softly, "What do you fear today?"

'Cause in faithless times
I know your hate
I've seen your crimes
I've felt your cruelty
In the bubble gum years
In the bubble gum years.

- Gomez, Bubble Gum Years

So You Wanna Spin The World Around

So I was going to whine and complain and angst about something that had happened to me when I found out about two pieces of extremely sad news:

1) A US gunman had gone on a shooting spree in a Virginia uni, killing 31 people.
2) Kurt Vonnegut had passed away.

Nothing can describe the profound sadness I felt when I heard the news regarding both events, and of course it made me realise that the world goes on regardless of anyone's heartbreak, and there are so much bigger things out there to worry or be sad about.

I hope I get through this week. However, one of the things that made it all a little better is that I got the grade I was hoping for, for my assignment on the Romans. Now I just have to concentrate hard on the upcoming one on the French revolution.

Goodbye, Kurt Vonnegut. So it goes.

Oh, Inverted World

So. Had a mini-crisis, called the best friend, cried my eyes out, then we both laughed at someone weird we both used to know a long time ago whom I bumped into at school. Turns out this weird guy, who we refer to as Mr. Osama, actually went to Europe for 6 months. Still, it was nice bumping into him again, even if I did end up giggling at him.

Mini-meltdown averted. I shall now watch a bit of Ricky Gervais stand-up, then re-read Life After God and put Turin Brakes on full blast. Things can't go wrong when you're surrounded by your favourite things.

PS: I seriously don't know how I would ever cope without the best friend. Taking care of my little crises is a full-time job!

Caring Is Creepy

Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to live alone in a cabin and write odd, mystic songs like Nick Drake did. Or uproot myself and disappear into the middle of a Canadian pine forest with an old boy scout tent, just like Life After God.

Today I could feel myself inflate and deflate, inflate and deflate, and now I'm just past caring, I'm past any hope or redemption. This is the way I am, this is the person I am, perhaps I'm meant to be alone for most of my life, and the fact that I had any friends at all was just a fluke.

I'm not trying to be a drama queen, just....I think I've permanently deflated and I'm too tired and defeated to go on fighting it. I cannot keep trying to become another person just to please someone else and be their friend. Yet at the same time, I can't tell them "This is who I am, take it or leave it," because they will leave. So maybe it's better this way.

"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why." - Simon And Garfunkel

You Are The Only Person Who's Completely Certain There's Nothing Here To Be Into

"But I can't pretend
I don't need to defend
Some part of me from you

I know I've spent some time lying."

-- 'The New', Interpol

Damn it. I like you, but you're so far far away.

Why must all the good guys be gay/attached/living in Outer Mongolia? Sigh.

-----

I had no idea Aqualung has already released his third album. Shows what kind of fan I am. *snorts* It really deviates from his usual style though - all electro and Idioteque-ish. Why are all my favourite singers and bands undergoing radical musical plastic surgery?

It's Different Now That I'm Poor And Aging

Soooooo there's recently a lot of huge drama at work. After some good advice from a wise old (haha!) colleague, I've decided to call upon my patented LLAB method (Lay Low, Act Blur) to deal with the situation. I don't like politics and I prefer to get along with everyone at work, because it's where I spend 80% of my time, like it or not. Still, the people at work are pretty cool (Meow, you reading this? ;) and I really enjoy my job anyway.

The other 20% of my time is divided between school, my family and lepak time. Recently, school has been dominating everything and sadly leaving me with precious little lepak time. Good thing my friends are planning a massive outing at St James this Saturday, I seriously need to let my hair down and go nuts.

In other news: I have decided that Redz is right and The Editors don't really sound like a poor man's Interpol after all. I've been getting into their album recently and it's quite decent. Still, they can't send shivers down my spine the way Interpol does. Oh, to see them perform live! I would sell all my grandmothers and any remaining, dessicated relatives.

Just for fun: an update of my Top 5 Bands (this changes every week or so):

1) Turin Brakes
2) Mew
3) Interpol
4) Depeche Mode
5) Kings Of Convenience

Just got my copy of Death Note 2: The Last Name. I'm simultaneously gushing over the two handsome leads (three if you count Matsuda) and going "Kawaii!" like a demented Japanese schoolgirl, and also feeling horribly ashamed at unleashing my inner Ah Lian, sheesh!

Exceeder

So I have a huge major crush on Leonardo. No, not DiCaprio, although he's not a bad-looker. I actually mean Leonardo from the 1994 Brazil team which won the World Cup. Leonardo is now a sports correspondent with the BBC and hot damn the man is 3000 kinds of hawt.

I think it's because he kinda resembles Viggo Mortensen. But at the same time, I have a huge fetish for football players, past and present. They have this very manly presence about them that I simply cannot resist. So Leonardo is kinda like a 2-in-1 package.

Well, back to real life. I think I like him, although I'm trying to emotionally distance myself in case his interest is purely platonic, which I suspect it is. And why not? He's surrounded by so many pretty, interesting girls everyday. I'm just one of his many friends. Our different work locations and schedules would mean it would be difficult (but not impossible) to meet up. And also, he's younger than me.

I absolutely don't have a hang-up about the age factor, but he might. Oh, who am I kidding? If he was interested in the first place, he would have acted on it by now.

Now I understand why I live in my own world most of the time. Because the real world is kinda sucky by comparison.

You Don't Wanna Feel The Phantom Punch

Things I want:

- More money
- To go to Koh Samui!
- Just some time to sleep
- More time to finish my assignment
- Some self-discipline to stop eating and start exercising again, dammit!
- The new Sondre Lerche album
- The new Mew Live In Copenhagen DVD
- A sweet, gentle, indie Scandanavian boy. Floppy brown hair, earnest wide eyes and guitar playing skills an advantage but not required.

Alone In Kyoto

All I can say is that Pharrell Williams has the Midas touch whenever it comes to producing music. Really, anything that is produced by the Neptunes/N.E.R.D./Pharrell is bound to sound different, cutting-edge and ear-clingingly good. At the bare minimum, it will at least sound different from the crap some so-called 'hip hop artists' are churning out these days. Let's not name names, but singing hateful songs about your ex-wife is so 1999.

Listening to 'Yummy' by Gwen Stefani (featuring Pharrell) it makes me wonder if Pharrell listens to Depeche Mode. Some of the influences are definitely there.

Have not been to the store in days. I miss my colleagues!

In other words, this week has been hell. I was juggling management training, school, studying for the coffee master challenge AND attending a long-time friend's wedding. Luckily, the coffee master thing is already over and I've attended said wedding, but I still have to finish the 3 short essays as well as prepare for my Creative Thinking module. I'm just thankful I'm not taking 2 modules. If I was, I seriously think my sanity would have flown out the window and gone to Koh Samui on vacation.

Speaking of which....despite the bomb threats, I CANNOT WAIT TO GO TO BANGKOK! I seriously need a fuckin' break!!

Mind Over Money

As always, good ol' Turin Brakes come to the rescue. Olly and Gale always have the exact words to describe how I've been feeling recently, and they managed to put those words into one of my favourite songs ever:

'That's alright, I warned myself
Keep blood on the inside
And nowhere else
Up on the shelf
That's where I need to be
La da da dee."

- ('Mind Over Money')

And of course, good ol' Mew:

"Things that are supposed to mean lots
Leave you cold
And with a malady of the soul."

- ('White Lips Kissed')

I shall skip through my mp3s and see if I can find any other suitable songs.

Oh wait, of course, there's always 'Moving' by Supergrass, the song that ALWAYS describes how I am ALWAYS feeling.

Moving, just keep moving
Til I dont know what I'm saying
I've been moving so long
The days all feel the same

Moving, just keep moving
Well I don't know why to stay
No ties to bind me
No reasons to remain

Got a low low feeling around me
And a stone cold feeling inside
And I just can't stop messing my mind up
Or wasting my time

I'll keep moving, just keep moving
Well I don't know who I am
No need to follow
There's no way back again

Moving, keep on moving
Where I feel I'm home again
And when its over
I'll see you again

There's a mow low feeling around me
And a stone cold feeling inside
I've got to find somebody to help me
I'll keep you in mind.

The Man I Love

It's funny how the people around me must think that I'm a strange person. I've been asked a couple of times if I had MSN, and this is the conversation in general:

Unsuspecting Person: So, you got MSN or not?
Me: Nope, don't have.
Unsuspecting Person: *trying to comprehend this* You mean you don't have, or you have?
(At this point, the poor fella is trying to suss out whether I just don't trust them enough to give out my MSN handle to them, or if I've being super-secretive and just plain weird.)
Me: Um....I just don't like it.
Unsuspecting Person: *in disbelief* You mean you just don't like MSN?
Me: Um....yup.
(At this point, I either get a raised eyebrow or a weird look, or both, and sigh. There goes my resolution of not appearing weird or aloof.)

Thinking about it, it's like asking someone what their favourite food is, and they say they just don't like food. I guess I'd give them a weird look too. Or point and laugh.

I have no idea why I keep updating this thing when I know no one is reading. I mean, seriously, I have not given out this address to ANYONE I know in person, so in a way, it's a safe retreat from the hazards of reality, which kinda sucks at the moment. It's actually less suckier than it was 2 weeks ago, but it still sucks.

There was a John Legend song I heard at work that I really liked. Initially I thought it was about some girl he loved, but when I listened closely, I realised it was about God. Then it made me really sad and reflective, and I don't like myself when I'm in this mood. I get all melancholic and moody, when I actually should be putting on my game face for this week. I mean, I have to concentrate on my training, study for the Coffee Master challenge thing this Saturday, go to Pat's wedding AND finish my 1000-word essay on top of that. And all I actually feel like doing is writing.....

Listening to an Ella Fitzgerald song called 'The Man I Love', it occured to me that I have never really loved anyone. Like, really loved someone to the point of heartbreak, you know? And the scary thing is, I don't know if I ever will.

I'd like to, though.

The John Legend guy was the closest thing I've ever experienced to having feelings for someone so recently. The last person was J, but we broke up so long ago and since then I had not had feelings for anyone until JLG (John Legend Guy). Well, there is always Goatboy, who I think about from time to time, and I've always been convinced that there was something there, but I don't know what.

Oh well. Worse comes to worst, I'll just marry some Bangladeshi worker and spend my days building mud huts in Dhaka.

Feeling Yourself Disintegrate

I just have not realised just how stressed-out and wired I've been lately, until the recent outburst at my mum. Still, what turned out to be a crappy semi-day-off has turned into one that is actually not that bad. For the first time, I have an actual way out for the huge number of problems that has been piling up on my shoulders and the solution came from the most unlikely place. Still, I'm just glad that things are going to get better soon.

Now I just have to concentrate on work and school. Also, Pat is getting married next Saturday so I'm going to call up Redz and Jayine to see if we're all going together. Then after that, it's BANGKOK! I seriously cannot wait; I love going to Thailand so much and I seriously need a good and proper vacation, even if it's only for a few days. I desperately need a rest after the rollercoaster ride I've been on for the past few months. Still, I'm happy that I managed to curb my spending and somehow get my life back on track.

I'll just have to take a deep breath and soldier on. Or, in the words of My Chemical Romance, "we'll carryyyyy on, we'll carryyyyy onnnn..."and so forth. All I have to do is take a deep breath and concentrate on what I'm doing now and make sure I really don't screw up this time. Sigh.

Still - looking forward to Bangkok!

Saturn Returns

Listening to Radiohead's Pyramid Song, I've had a sudden epiphany. The most beautiful things - books, songs, albums, paintings, photographs, movies - have all been things I either didn't understand, or at least had some air of mystery or intrigue around it.

I think human beings should work on not trying to understand the mechanics of everything and anything that happens to them, and just accept them as they are, and interpret it in their own way. Then perhaps there would be a little less violence and bloodshed in this world.

The Seething Rain Weeps For You

Wow, it's been almost three months since I last updated this. So much for my resolution to blog regularly. Anyway, it's a new year and a new life for me now. Things are a bit cluttered and messy now but I have three days off this week and I'm using the much-needed break time to get my act together and figure things out too.

The money situation is really bad now, to the point where my internet connection and phone line have been cut off, disconnecting me from friends and family (unless I'm with them or borrow someone's phone to make a call). The lack of money also makes it a better idea to stay at home and bum around instead of doing something I really want to do, like go out and watch a movie.

I also start school very soon. I really have no idea where I'm going to find the money for textbooks. I don't even know how I'm going to go print out my timetable. It's sickening, really, but I'd be stupid to complain or burst into tears or feel sorry for myself. That is not going to solve anything, so my best bet is to put on my game face, be grateful for what I still do have and soldier on.

In other happier news, I'm happy that I've started going on the treadmill again and watching what I eat. I've also started reading again, borrowing a slew of Murakami books from the library and a Banana Yoshimoto book I've always wanted to read. I also seem to be able to listen to nothing but Mew these days. I'm not complaining though, because I don't have enough money to buy new CDs anyway, or download something new.

Off to go wash my hair and dig through the crap in my room to see if I can salvage anything. I'll end this self-pitying post by sharing some lyrics to a song that's been haunting me for the past few weeks. I don't quite know what the lyrics mean, but then I don't understand most of Mew's lyrics, just like most of Murakami's prose. I've given up on trying to understand them, and instead I just let it flow through me like rain. It's the atmostphere that they generate, you know? I guess I'm not making sense.

FOX CUB
by Mew


No more trying
Too much terribleness these days
And what you thought was true
Well, they were lying to you
And made a kid cry
So did you change the locks?
And did you hide the fox cub?
Don't make fun
Because we don't.