And What A Thing, To Know What Could Be Instead

I'm undecided about you again
Mightn't be right that you're not here
It's double-sided, cause I ruined it all
- But also saved myself, by never believing you, Dear

Everything good, I deem too good to be true
Everything else is just a bore
Everything I have to look forward to
Has a pretty painful and very imposing before

O' Sailor, why'd you do it?
What'd you do that for?
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

I have too been playing with fifty-two cards
- Just cause I play so far from my vest
Whatever I've got, I've got no reason to guard
What could I do, but spend my best

And after waiting, fighting patiently on my knees
All the other stuff tired itself out first, not me
And in its wake, appeared the touch and call
Of a different breed
One who set to get me wise, and got me there
And then, got me

And what a thing, to know what could be instead
Oh, what a blessed curse; to see
It took the agenda from its place in my bed
Made a merry paramour of me

O' Sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for?
Saying there's nothing to it
And then letting it go by the boards

O' sailor, why'd you do it
What'd you do that for?
Giving me eyes to view it
As it goes by the boards.

---- Fiona Apple, 'O Sailor'

I'm Your Villain

After having soaked my brain in facts about the French Revolution for my upcoming assignment, I'm so bloody sick and tired of the whole damn thing. The only thing I can remember now is that those Jacobins were really bitchy. In the end, they themselves kena guillotined. So what does that tell you? Don't be a pain in the neck. Har har har.

I don't even want to look at my assignment. It really pales in comparison to the one I did for the Romans.

Anyway, I went to see Spidey 3 courtesy of Redz. It was really good overall, with some 'argh' parts here and there. The arc about the Sandman and Green Goblin Jnr. had me sniffling.

Oh, and a very girlish aside here: why does even a disfigured James Franco look so much hotter than a normal Tobey Macguire?

Searching For Something But I Don't Know What It Is

Lost souls, you and I, my dear
Whiskey bottle and a .45, my dear
We're on a roll, suitcase and cellophane, my dear
Whiskey bottle and a .45 satisfies, my dear
And someone's whispering into my ear
Asking softly, "What do you fear today?"

'Cause in faithless times
I know your hate
I've seen your crimes
I've felt your cruelty
In the bubble gum years
In the bubble gum years.

- Gomez, Bubble Gum Years

So You Wanna Spin The World Around

So I was going to whine and complain and angst about something that had happened to me when I found out about two pieces of extremely sad news:

1) A US gunman had gone on a shooting spree in a Virginia uni, killing 31 people.
2) Kurt Vonnegut had passed away.

Nothing can describe the profound sadness I felt when I heard the news regarding both events, and of course it made me realise that the world goes on regardless of anyone's heartbreak, and there are so much bigger things out there to worry or be sad about.

I hope I get through this week. However, one of the things that made it all a little better is that I got the grade I was hoping for, for my assignment on the Romans. Now I just have to concentrate hard on the upcoming one on the French revolution.

Goodbye, Kurt Vonnegut. So it goes.

Oh, Inverted World

So. Had a mini-crisis, called the best friend, cried my eyes out, then we both laughed at someone weird we both used to know a long time ago whom I bumped into at school. Turns out this weird guy, who we refer to as Mr. Osama, actually went to Europe for 6 months. Still, it was nice bumping into him again, even if I did end up giggling at him.

Mini-meltdown averted. I shall now watch a bit of Ricky Gervais stand-up, then re-read Life After God and put Turin Brakes on full blast. Things can't go wrong when you're surrounded by your favourite things.

PS: I seriously don't know how I would ever cope without the best friend. Taking care of my little crises is a full-time job!

Caring Is Creepy

Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to live alone in a cabin and write odd, mystic songs like Nick Drake did. Or uproot myself and disappear into the middle of a Canadian pine forest with an old boy scout tent, just like Life After God.

Today I could feel myself inflate and deflate, inflate and deflate, and now I'm just past caring, I'm past any hope or redemption. This is the way I am, this is the person I am, perhaps I'm meant to be alone for most of my life, and the fact that I had any friends at all was just a fluke.

I'm not trying to be a drama queen, just....I think I've permanently deflated and I'm too tired and defeated to go on fighting it. I cannot keep trying to become another person just to please someone else and be their friend. Yet at the same time, I can't tell them "This is who I am, take it or leave it," because they will leave. So maybe it's better this way.

"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why." - Simon And Garfunkel

You Are The Only Person Who's Completely Certain There's Nothing Here To Be Into

"But I can't pretend
I don't need to defend
Some part of me from you

I know I've spent some time lying."

-- 'The New', Interpol

Damn it. I like you, but you're so far far away.

Why must all the good guys be gay/attached/living in Outer Mongolia? Sigh.

-----

I had no idea Aqualung has already released his third album. Shows what kind of fan I am. *snorts* It really deviates from his usual style though - all electro and Idioteque-ish. Why are all my favourite singers and bands undergoing radical musical plastic surgery?

It's Different Now That I'm Poor And Aging

Soooooo there's recently a lot of huge drama at work. After some good advice from a wise old (haha!) colleague, I've decided to call upon my patented LLAB method (Lay Low, Act Blur) to deal with the situation. I don't like politics and I prefer to get along with everyone at work, because it's where I spend 80% of my time, like it or not. Still, the people at work are pretty cool (Meow, you reading this? ;) and I really enjoy my job anyway.

The other 20% of my time is divided between school, my family and lepak time. Recently, school has been dominating everything and sadly leaving me with precious little lepak time. Good thing my friends are planning a massive outing at St James this Saturday, I seriously need to let my hair down and go nuts.

In other news: I have decided that Redz is right and The Editors don't really sound like a poor man's Interpol after all. I've been getting into their album recently and it's quite decent. Still, they can't send shivers down my spine the way Interpol does. Oh, to see them perform live! I would sell all my grandmothers and any remaining, dessicated relatives.

Just for fun: an update of my Top 5 Bands (this changes every week or so):

1) Turin Brakes
2) Mew
3) Interpol
4) Depeche Mode
5) Kings Of Convenience

Just got my copy of Death Note 2: The Last Name. I'm simultaneously gushing over the two handsome leads (three if you count Matsuda) and going "Kawaii!" like a demented Japanese schoolgirl, and also feeling horribly ashamed at unleashing my inner Ah Lian, sheesh!