While My Guitar Gently Weeps

I should be worried. My assignment is due in two days, and I have done squat. I haven't even read the textbook or typed one word. And I find myself not caring. I don't know why - maybe it's a subconscious reaction to the cutthroat ambitiousness of my classmates. The more "on the ball" they are, the less I care. And I really should be worried, considering the amount of money my mum and I paid for my school fees, but I. Just. Don't. Care.

I know I said that this year will be my fuck-it year. But I never intended to ignore schoolwork. Maybe it's because my lecturer and tutor this semester really suck, but that's no excuse. I could always read the textbook myself and do my own self-study, but that's not happening. I find myself more interested in who's winning American Idol and when 'Into The Wild' is coming out.

It's not just school, but it's other areas in my life that have been considerably shaken up. I always thought I would be fine as long as my core beliefs are there, as long as what I consider my identity is held firm and does not conform to what others expect of me. Yet, recently I find myself questioning that identity and whether it's right or wrong.

It's hard for me to express how I'm feeling - I guess everything I thought was true turned out to be wrong. I thought I was Person A, but instead I'm turning out to be more like Person B. And I had never intended to be Person B, and it's scary. And maybe I was never meant to be Person A in the first place? Is this even all making sense?

Everybody's Talking At Me

Apologies for the lack of entries/participation lately. I know I haven't really replied to or read most of your entries, and please don't take it personally - I'm just in a really funky, anti-social mood right now. I'm sure it'll blow over after a while. So in the meantime, just let me have my emo moment.

Two talking points in the past two weeks: the movie Jumper, and American Idol Season 7. All I can say about Jumper is that lead actor Hayden Christensen needs to teleport himself to an acting school. Enough said.

Reviews (in 6 words or less) of certain American Idol male finalists:

David Archuleta: So cute! Must....adopt...now...

Luke Menard: Can't sing, but sooooo handsome! Hfdsbkerhj::%$#....

Robbie Whats-his-face: Two words. Nickelback wannabe. POSEUR! (He claims he's a rocker, so why does he sing like a Teletubbie?)

And now, we come to my favourite, who shares the same last name as a dictator...

Jason Castro: The eyes! The dreads! The 'aww shucks' personality!

And If I Touch You, You Don't Feel A Thing

Just finished my first tutorial of this semester. Let me just say this: I am struck and dumbfounded by just how boastful some people can be. My tutor just monopolised the entire lesson and didn't really let anyone get a word in. The thing is, when she asked us questions, she simply took the liberty of answering it herself without waiting for anyone's answers, even when people were putting up their hands to answer. She also talked about herself, her qualifications and so on. My lecturer is even worse. I miss my old lecturer and tutors, man. They were really intelligent people who cared more about the students than their own greatness.

Another thing: the school that I attend is full of teachers. So everyone loves to boast about how their job and how difficult it is and how much they earn. I can tell the difference between job pride and just plain arrogance, and this is definitely the latter. Come on man, you can't even speak English properly and you want to boast about being a teacher? What's the big damn deal? It's a job like any other. You're putting to shame those REAL teachers who go in everyday and slog damn hard for their kids and bring home tons of homework to mark without boasting about it to anyone who will listen. Disgusting.

Guess I'm just in a bitter mood now. Why is everyone so full of pride? When you think about how big the world - and the universe as well - is, you must realise how small we are in the scheme of things. There is nothing great about being a teacher or the manager of a bookshop or every other tiny achievement that we want to blow out of proportion and tell everyone else about. The reason why the world is so fucked up as it already is, is due to these people who can't get their head out of their asses. It's people like my former lecturers who maintain the balance, otherwise we would all have gone to hell in a handbasket a very long time ago.

Thank God for people like them. Damn, I really miss them.