Thursday, December 25, 2008

Too Young To Reason, Too Grown Up To Dream

I've been looking forward to my bonus for a ridiculously long time, but it looks like more than half of it will be eaten away by my school fees. This is so unbelievably frustrating but I really don't have a choice, I guess.

I'm really hellbent on using the rest of the money to pay down debts, but it's still sad because I thought I could get myself something decent, like an iPhone or a mp3 player, after being so tight for the whole of this year. But that's one part of being a so-called adult, I guess, where you have to delay instant gratification and take care of the "real" issues first.

Shit. I just remembered that I may or may not have paid my income taxes. Being an adult blows chunks.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Whatever.

At the moment, I'm sick and tired of constantly blowing it. I'm sick and tired of sabotaging myself. I just want to go to bed for a week.

Whoever the hell said, "Go live your dreams," is a stupid dumbass.

Kthanksbye.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Everybody Knows That You're Insane

Don't even think for a minute that I've been obsessing over you and stalking you via Myspace or whatever. If your self-importance is that puffed up, then you're an even bigger jackass than I thought.

I've definitely moved on and done so many new things in my life to be proud of, and met lots of amazing new people who are now friends. So you were just a friend, not even a good one, and the idea that I even think about you when I've got so much else on my plate is laughable.

You're the pathetic one. You're the one making jam for a living and the only way you can ever get a girlfriend is picking on poor vulnerable women online. I was tempted to tell your current girlfriend about your pathetic self-pitying tactics to get women but I thought you two looked happy, so I thought I should leave all alone and continue moving on with my life and ignore whatever I found out about you being a bastard.

You know what? You are a fucking pathetic bastard. That's the reason your wife and all your other stupid girlfriends left you. Because your main act to get women is to appear all "woe is me" and act as though women have always screwed you over. Guess what, buddy? The problem is YOU. You're a fucktard. And I genuinely feel sorry for you because any woman stupid enough to be with you actually has to support your ridiculous jam-making endeavours and all the time you waste playing fantasy football.

Now that I think about it, you really deserve a huge amount of pity. And scorn. Seriously, good luck wading through life with such a ridiculous bag of tricks. I just pity your poor new girlfriend who's probably going to end up supporting you. That's how worthless you are.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Losing My Religion

I realized as I lay down to sleep
We haven't spoke in weeks
So many things that I'd like to know
Come have a talk with me
I need a sign, something I can see
Why all the mystery?
I try not to fall for make believe
But what is reality?

Where do we go?
What do we know?
Life has to have a meaning
Show me the light
Show me the way
Show that you're listening.

Guess it's funny how I say thanks to you
For all you've given me
Sometimes the price of what you gave to me
I can't stop questioning
O God of love, peace, and mercy
Why so much suffering?
I pray for the world, it gets worse to me
Wonder if you're listening.

- John Legend

Thursday, November 13, 2008

And I Can't Stop Messing My Mind Up, Or Wasting My Time

We're supposed to be able to do anything we want. For the truly optimistic, they always ring up that damn Adidas phrase, "Impossible is nothing!" For the truly pessimistic, it's usually, "Sigh, trying to survive until the end of the day/week/month/year. Fuck it, lah."

I wonder why we never really realise our do-anything potential until something disastrous happens to take away that potential. Falling sick, for example (and I'm not talking flu here, I mean big stuff like cancer or diabetes) or becoming diabled...only then we'd be all, "Why didn't I do all that stuff when I had the chance?"

It's interesting, because we have that "chance" like RIGHT NOW, and I don't find myself (or many people I know) actualising it. In fact, I spend quite a huge chunk of the day wishing that I were somewhere else, or doing something else, or daydream about stuff like getting my driver's licence. There's just a whole lot of wishin' and not an awful lot of doin', and to my disgust, I spend a lot of time whining about this!

What do I do when I get home from work? Surf the net and watch stupid TV reruns. It's supposed to "destress" me, but I just end up more frustrated when the next working day rolls around.

Can anyone spell 'vicious cycle'?

Thursday, November 06, 2008

A Class Act

Everyone's hyper-excited that Obama has won the election. Even though stocks have gone down, it's probably a temporary dive. Still, despite the elation and the feeling that things are finally going to be different, it's hard to deny that McCain's concession speech was a class act.

I read some criticism online that McCain was trying to marginalise Obama's victory because he mentioned race in his speech, talking about how proud the African-Americans must feel. I mean, come on, is it a crime for McCain to say that? It IS true, the blacks must be feeling damn proud that at last the racial barrier is broken in the highest possible office. I'm sure we'd be feeling something too if an Asian-American won a significant election in the US.

I just thought it was an excellent and moving speech. If McCain had campaigned like this, he would have won a lot more support from the undecided voters and moderates, instead of appealing to the gun-toting yeehaws from the Southern states.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

And What You Thought You Lost Was Just Mislaid

I cannot FUCKING believe this.

After so long, I finally know the truth. In hindsight, I shouldn't really be surprised. And as Elnie says, I should be kind of glad that I wasn't stuck holding the prize mule in the end. But the feeling of being played and being lied to still pisses me off.

But, to tell you the truth, all along, I thought I was the one who fucked things up. But now, it feels SO much better to know that it really wasn't me, it was him!

Important lessons I learned:

1) When my instincts are screaming the place down that something is "wrong", it ALWAYS is.
2) Don't be so blinded whenever a guy says nice things to you.
3) A white lie is a white lie, but it is still a LIE.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

If You Don't Eat Yourself, No Doubt The Pain Will, Instead

After spending an agonizing day at my cousin's wedding (and anticipating another full day affair coming up in November), I have come to the following conclusion.

I'm not normal.

Then of course, it begs the following question: what is normal anyway? And is anybody truly normal in the first place?

Please tell me what you think.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Someone's Always Talking When I'm Trying To Make Some Sense

TIOMAN!

I seriously, seriously cannot wait to go to Tioman. In about 30 hours. Sponsored by my extremely superrific, generous, marvellicious friends. Accompanied by some of those said friends as well. Clear blue waters and white, sandy beaches with hopefully not too many white, sandy ang mohs (although I can sense Rashid going, "WEI!" disagreeably at that.)

I've had horrible birthdays for the past few years so I'm really hoping that this year makes up for the rest of it. My colleague warned me that there isn't much to do on the main island itself, either than a KTV shack and a flyblown restaurant, but I'm not really going there for that stuff, I'm more interested in snorkeling and reading fat paperbacks by the beach and just being a lazy bum after having worked consecutively for the past week.

I hope that things go well. Crossing my fingers and expecting the worst, but I'm very bad at that because I'm an introverted die-hard optimist.

I know I should stop re-reading 'She's Come Undone' by Wally Lamb because everytime I pick it up, I start bawling ever few chapters. I guess some of the story hits a little too close to home. But it's not healthy to bawl this much, right?

Work is work. I'm tired and I'm hopeless but I'm hanging on, because I have to. Thank God the people there make it a little easier.

I'm missing my Finer Things club! Come to my house for Raya, will you? But it may have to be a weekday night, if you guys are alright...(or even towards the end of the month?)

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Under The Iron Sea

*dusts Multiply blog* I'm still here! I'm still here. I haven't died and stunk up the place yet. There's actually been nothing much to update, because I've either been working or sleeping (or both, heh.)

Again it's the slow, monthly crawl towards payday. Another 5 more days of watching every penny like a hawk, bargaining with the auntie at the sugar cane juice stall and attempting to cook Thai green curry so I have some food to bring to work.

I have always, always promised myself NOT to make fun of people who speak poor English, because I always reverse the situation and think that they'd be laughing at me if I were attempting to speak Malay/Chinese/Tagalog/Flemish. Which they have, by the way. I think my colleagues get a kick out of the fact that I scored F9 for my Malay during the 'O' Levels. So happening, right? Sigh.

But today, I was introduced to a colleague's friend, and the girl was talking very loudly and pretending to tease my colleague about shoplifting. "You better be careful! Or the SECURE will come and get you!" Then she burst into bright, shrieky peals of laughter. I was like, no sniggering Islinda! So as a result, I ended up looking rather constipated. I think I confused her overall. She sure confused me. I guess she was trying to say the word 'security' instead of 'secure'.

I'm also shocked at my extreme level of suakuness. I had NO idea that 3 people were murdered in a flat not too far from my place! I only found out about this today when I saw the killer being arrested on the front page of the newspaper. My first thought was, "What killer, ah?" My second thought was, "Yishun?!" and my last thought was, "This happened on Friday?! How come I don't know?"

I think I live inside my own little world too much.

Am listening to way too much Keane. Anyone else have any good recommendations? (PS: This does not apply to you if you think 'I Don't Want To Miss A Thing' by Aerosmith is the best song in the world.)

(PPS: Yes, I know this is musical snobbery, but I don't care. I just don't trust people who like that song.)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

So when you're finished with this dream, delete, begin to rewrite me

Been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days, and most of it is just stuff that I've been constantly rehashing in my head. But one of the most important things - which, unfortunately, has failed to sink in - is this: before we judge others, we have to take a hard look at ourselves. And quit whining.

I always wonder why people are so quick to get pissed off with another person's actions, and complain that they wouldn't have done such a thing themselves. One example I've been mulling over recently is hearing one colleague complain about another. Colleague A was angry that Colleague B did things in her own way, and A was saying that if it were her, she would have done it another way, etc etc. I got tired and weary just listening to it all.

It's not that I don't like to listen to people. I do. It's just that when the misery that plagues someone is self-inflicted, it's hard to feel bad for them. Then again, it's so easy to judge, right? I've been guilty of the same thing myself.

I remember hearing another colleague talk about this guy she is involved with, and I was urging her to cease all contact and she was explaining how hard it was for her. I thought it was just a matter of will, but apparently not.

I realised this when someone from the not-so-recent (and still freshly hurting) past turned up, and all those old feelings flooded back. It's not so easy when you're in the hot seat. And all you want is someone who understands you. And listens without judgement.

Maybe THAT should be my resolution for 2008.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

You And Me Then

I'm doing this because Elnie hinted that I should be hardworking AND greedy. Heh.

Leave a comment and I will....

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your Blog.

Anyone can leave a comment...even folks I haven't seen in years. Be my guest! I will be as honest as possible.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Waiting On The World To Change

Sometimes, I think: "Anywhere is better than here."

But....is it really?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Sick Of Being Sick, Tired Of Being Tired

So it's been a constant monotony of work-sleep-work-sleep, plus the occasional gathering with friends that are responsible for reviving my sanity. It's a good thing that work is quite fun as well, so I'm quite happy there, apart from one or two colleagues who I fantasise about throttling sometimes. But I realise that no matter where you work, there's always going to be someone who you'd like to punch in the face if you could get away with it. So I'm already very happy that this workplace has the least amount of punchy-people so far.

I've already given up on school. Or rather, I tell myself that, but deep down I'm secretly worried and wondering if there's time to scramble to action in the eleventh hour. I'm quite sure that when the exam date approaches, I would have kicked my own ass and started studying like hell. Crossing my fingers.

Today, some of my colleagues asked me who Edie Sedgwick was (because a customer asked whether we have her biography.) And I was like, "Um...well, she was this kinda muse to Bob Dylan and Andy Warhol...um...". Blank looks. Then I hit upon, "OH! She was like the 60s version of Paris Hilton!" and everyone was like, "OOHHHH!" It may not be 100% accurate, because Paris is certainly no muse, not even to artistic Gacy-type serial killers, but she was a heiress, socialite and "artist" just like Edie. So there.

I seriously need to trim down the hours of sleep I need. My body seems to be not happy with anything below 8 and when it's given complete autonomy, it wants to sleep beyond 12. So I don't know anymore. Grrr. Anyone have any ideas on how to stop being a sleep zombie?

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Blackbird, fly

From The Shawshank Redemption:

Red: "I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

Monday, March 24, 2008

John, Let Me Go

How can a month possibly have flown by already? How is it possible that I am yet scrambling to meet another essay deadline? March has been great music-wise, having gotten to see Mum and Sondre Lerche in concert (and getting to meet Sondre twice, woohoo!) and work has been pretty decent. However, I do NOT appreciate being perpetually sick. What, do I have some sign on my forehead that invites all passing bugs and parasites to kindly use my body as some kind of illegal host?

First, I had a cold, then it turned into the worst wracking cough I've ever had, then now I'm back to the cold. So, naturally, this is the order of the next few diseases I will surely be getting: herpes, gangrene, Ethiopian flesh-eating bacteria. If anyone wants to pass on any exotic viruses to me, you know the number.

I desperately need a vacation. Yet I see ALL my money being sucked into the damn tuition fees for next semester. Even with the gahmen's generous 40% discount, I still have to fork out over $2000. So I will not be a happy crab for the rest of the year, unless I bring in illegal immigrants on the side to make extra cash.

Sondre's songs are still ringing in my head! John, let me gooooo....(In this case, John = random ball of flu bugs and viruses)

Thursday, March 06, 2008

1234, Tell Me That You Love Me More

I AM FINALLY DONE WITH MY DAMN ASSIGNMENT!

I can't tell you what a relief it is. Thankfully I got an extension from my tutor, but even with that, it was so damn hard to get started on the paper. Will I ever kick procrastination in the ass and be able to submit things on time? I guess not.

At the moment, I'm going to enjoy the immense feeling of RELIEF you get whenever you've just finished a huge, odious task that you've been putting off for the longest time. My fault, I guess, but damn it feels so goooood to get that off my back.

Still, I'll only get to celebrate for a day and then it's back to my second assignment which is due on 28 March. Which means only three and a half more weeks to do a 2000-word paper about something that I have absolutely no interest in. Boooo.

Excuses that I can use next time for a deadline extension:
1) I have a pathological need to watch American Idol or I will start going down to the local supermarket and hurling cabbages at innocent bystanders
2) The police suspect that Mas Selamat is hiding in my block and has evacuated everyone while they comb through our block for the next few weeks (cross out if Mas Selamat has been caught or already discovered shopping in some Indonesian night market)

Looking forward to Mosaic next week. Mum and Sondre Lerche, anyone?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

I should be worried. My assignment is due in two days, and I have done squat. I haven't even read the textbook or typed one word. And I find myself not caring. I don't know why - maybe it's a subconscious reaction to the cutthroat ambitiousness of my classmates. The more "on the ball" they are, the less I care. And I really should be worried, considering the amount of money my mum and I paid for my school fees, but I. Just. Don't. Care.

I know I said that this year will be my fuck-it year. But I never intended to ignore schoolwork. Maybe it's because my lecturer and tutor this semester really suck, but that's no excuse. I could always read the textbook myself and do my own self-study, but that's not happening. I find myself more interested in who's winning American Idol and when 'Into The Wild' is coming out.

It's not just school, but it's other areas in my life that have been considerably shaken up. I always thought I would be fine as long as my core beliefs are there, as long as what I consider my identity is held firm and does not conform to what others expect of me. Yet, recently I find myself questioning that identity and whether it's right or wrong.

It's hard for me to express how I'm feeling - I guess everything I thought was true turned out to be wrong. I thought I was Person A, but instead I'm turning out to be more like Person B. And I had never intended to be Person B, and it's scary. And maybe I was never meant to be Person A in the first place? Is this even all making sense?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Everybody's Talking At Me

Apologies for the lack of entries/participation lately. I know I haven't really replied to or read most of your entries, and please don't take it personally - I'm just in a really funky, anti-social mood right now. I'm sure it'll blow over after a while. So in the meantime, just let me have my emo moment.

Two talking points in the past two weeks: the movie Jumper, and American Idol Season 7. All I can say about Jumper is that lead actor Hayden Christensen needs to teleport himself to an acting school. Enough said.

Reviews (in 6 words or less) of certain American Idol male finalists:

David Archuleta: So cute! Must....adopt...now...

Luke Menard: Can't sing, but sooooo handsome! Hfdsbkerhj::%$#....

Robbie Whats-his-face: Two words. Nickelback wannabe. POSEUR! (He claims he's a rocker, so why does he sing like a Teletubbie?)

And now, we come to my favourite, who shares the same last name as a dictator...

Jason Castro: The eyes! The dreads! The 'aww shucks' personality!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

And If I Touch You, You Don't Feel A Thing

Just finished my first tutorial of this semester. Let me just say this: I am struck and dumbfounded by just how boastful some people can be. My tutor just monopolised the entire lesson and didn't really let anyone get a word in. The thing is, when she asked us questions, she simply took the liberty of answering it herself without waiting for anyone's answers, even when people were putting up their hands to answer. She also talked about herself, her qualifications and so on. My lecturer is even worse. I miss my old lecturer and tutors, man. They were really intelligent people who cared more about the students than their own greatness.

Another thing: the school that I attend is full of teachers. So everyone loves to boast about how their job and how difficult it is and how much they earn. I can tell the difference between job pride and just plain arrogance, and this is definitely the latter. Come on man, you can't even speak English properly and you want to boast about being a teacher? What's the big damn deal? It's a job like any other. You're putting to shame those REAL teachers who go in everyday and slog damn hard for their kids and bring home tons of homework to mark without boasting about it to anyone who will listen. Disgusting.

Guess I'm just in a bitter mood now. Why is everyone so full of pride? When you think about how big the world - and the universe as well - is, you must realise how small we are in the scheme of things. There is nothing great about being a teacher or the manager of a bookshop or every other tiny achievement that we want to blow out of proportion and tell everyone else about. The reason why the world is so fucked up as it already is, is due to these people who can't get their head out of their asses. It's people like my former lecturers who maintain the balance, otherwise we would all have gone to hell in a handbasket a very long time ago.

Thank God for people like them. Damn, I really miss them.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Into The Wild

This is inspired by Sharon's post about wanting to watch American Gangster, as well as a burning desire to run screaming from my workplace and do something to take my mind off it. Just for my own reference, and in case anyone is interested: it's a list of movies that I'm planning to watch in the near future. If you want to catch anything with me, comment or SMS, please! Or you can squawk loudly in the cinema like Rashid, "MUST WATCH! MUST WATCH!"

- American Gangster
- Into The Wild
- I'm Not There
- Cloverfield
- Vantage Point
- 10000 BC
- Juno
- The Bucket List
- Chapter 27

Friday, January 25, 2008

I Want You (She's So Heavy)

So my new job started out quite horribly, but it's slowly getting better. Still, I can't complain because it's better than it being the other way round. I just have to be really alert and humble and make sure that I don't screw up.

Went with Jayine and Redz earlier to Skin at red dot traffic, which was a great loungey-type place that serves the best Shirley Temples that I have ever tasted. Elnie, you got to try this! The music was a bit too loud, but then I'm half-deaf anyway, so the difference is minimal. It's pretty funny because we ordered some bar food, and it took quite some time before the food arrived. The thing is, Redz and Jayine saw them 'tar-pau' the food (most likely from the nearby Maxwell Food Center) so it was pretty weird paying $12 for fries from a Western stall. Still, the ambience was excellent.

Like I was telling them earlier, I have decided that 2008 is my fuck-it year. I am just not going to care anymore. I'm not going to actively chase or pursue anything, because 2007 was all about active pursuing and chasing and wanting and hoping, and in the end, feeling let down and fucked up and used and stupid for ever thinking that anything would change. So my philosophy for 2008 is "Fuck it!" Say it with me again, kids!

I know I sound bitter, and I might be, but like I said, I'm just past the point of caring. I'm not going to entertain shallow friendships with people I don't care about. I'm not going to worry about all the TV shows and movies and books and bands that I might be missing out on. And this year *might* just be the year I start trying to forgive and forget past grudges - from those idiots in secondary school who made my life miserable to former colleagues who make Hitler look like Barney to myself - I just have got to let go of all that crap and stop lugging it about with me. Because it's getting old and no one cares, not even me anymore.

Hope my 2008 philosophy still stays the same after 2 months - okay lah, 2 hours, maybe?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Strawberry Fields Forever

So tomorrow is the start of my new job. I'm not sure what to expect, and the excitement I'm feeling is tempered with a sense of apprehension. I don't like looking forward too much to certain things in case they turn out to be major disappointments (which happens 95% of the time whenever I'm looking forward to something.) So I'm trying to go for 'blase' but it's veering dangerously close to being plain worried. Still, worrying isn't going to change anything. So I'll just shut up.

After a friend of mine lost his very close friend, I find my thoughts plagued once again with the question of mortality, and just what I want exactly out of life. As an ex-colleague put it bluntly, "Hah, why do you want to work at another bookstore?" Well, what else am I supposed to do? Sign up for a glamourous career in the army as a back-up paratrooper? Sell all my belongings and open up a halal char siew pao stall?

Yet, in a weird, twisted way, I do get what she means. And I don't know whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing. Wish me luck on my first day of work.

And Rashid - you have my utter condolences.

Strawberry Fields Forever

So tomorrow is the start of my new job. I'm not sure what to expect, and the excitement I'm feeling is tempered with a sense of apprehension. I don't like looking forward too much to certain things in case they turn out to be major disappointments (which happens 95% of the time whenever I'm looking forward to something.) So I'm trying to go for 'blase' but it's veering dangerously close to being plain worried. Still, worrying isn't going to change anything. So I'll just shut up.

After a friend of mine lost his very close friend, I find my thoughts plagued once again with the question of mortality, and just what I want exactly out of life. As an ex-colleague put it bluntly, "Hah, why do you want to work at another bookstore?" Well, what else am I supposed to do? Sign up for a glamourous career in the army as a back-up paratrooper? Sell all my belongings and open up a halal char siew pao stall?

Yet, in a weird, twisted way, I do get what she means. And I don't know whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing. Wish me luck on my first day of work.

And Rashid - you have my utter condolences.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

It's Not Over...Yet

Many apologies for the loooong absence. I could blame it on a lot of things - a stagnant internet connection, work, uber-laziness, inertia....but I'd rather save the excuses. So, like a Haitian zombie experiment gone horribly wrong, I'm back from the dead, lurching about and mumbling, "Brains...."

Happy 2008, people. I hope this will be a better year for me, and for all of us as well.