Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to live alone in a cabin and write odd, mystic songs like Nick Drake did. Or uproot myself and disappear into the middle of a Canadian pine forest with an old boy scout tent, just like Life After God.
Today I could feel myself inflate and deflate, inflate and deflate, and now I'm just past caring, I'm past any hope or redemption. This is the way I am, this is the person I am, perhaps I'm meant to be alone for most of my life, and the fact that I had any friends at all was just a fluke.
I'm not trying to be a drama queen, just....I think I've permanently deflated and I'm too tired and defeated to go on fighting it. I cannot keep trying to become another person just to please someone else and be their friend. Yet at the same time, I can't tell them "This is who I am, take it or leave it," because they will leave. So maybe it's better this way.
"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why." - Simon And Garfunkel
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