The Man I Love

It's funny how the people around me must think that I'm a strange person. I've been asked a couple of times if I had MSN, and this is the conversation in general:

Unsuspecting Person: So, you got MSN or not?
Me: Nope, don't have.
Unsuspecting Person: *trying to comprehend this* You mean you don't have, or you have?
(At this point, the poor fella is trying to suss out whether I just don't trust them enough to give out my MSN handle to them, or if I've being super-secretive and just plain weird.)
Me: Um....I just don't like it.
Unsuspecting Person: *in disbelief* You mean you just don't like MSN?
Me: Um....yup.
(At this point, I either get a raised eyebrow or a weird look, or both, and sigh. There goes my resolution of not appearing weird or aloof.)

Thinking about it, it's like asking someone what their favourite food is, and they say they just don't like food. I guess I'd give them a weird look too. Or point and laugh.

I have no idea why I keep updating this thing when I know no one is reading. I mean, seriously, I have not given out this address to ANYONE I know in person, so in a way, it's a safe retreat from the hazards of reality, which kinda sucks at the moment. It's actually less suckier than it was 2 weeks ago, but it still sucks.

There was a John Legend song I heard at work that I really liked. Initially I thought it was about some girl he loved, but when I listened closely, I realised it was about God. Then it made me really sad and reflective, and I don't like myself when I'm in this mood. I get all melancholic and moody, when I actually should be putting on my game face for this week. I mean, I have to concentrate on my training, study for the Coffee Master challenge thing this Saturday, go to Pat's wedding AND finish my 1000-word essay on top of that. And all I actually feel like doing is writing.....

Listening to an Ella Fitzgerald song called 'The Man I Love', it occured to me that I have never really loved anyone. Like, really loved someone to the point of heartbreak, you know? And the scary thing is, I don't know if I ever will.

I'd like to, though.

The John Legend guy was the closest thing I've ever experienced to having feelings for someone so recently. The last person was J, but we broke up so long ago and since then I had not had feelings for anyone until JLG (John Legend Guy). Well, there is always Goatboy, who I think about from time to time, and I've always been convinced that there was something there, but I don't know what.

Oh well. Worse comes to worst, I'll just marry some Bangladeshi worker and spend my days building mud huts in Dhaka.