You Don't Wanna Feel The Phantom Punch

Things I want:

- More money
- To go to Koh Samui!
- Just some time to sleep
- More time to finish my assignment
- Some self-discipline to stop eating and start exercising again, dammit!
- The new Sondre Lerche album
- The new Mew Live In Copenhagen DVD
- A sweet, gentle, indie Scandanavian boy. Floppy brown hair, earnest wide eyes and guitar playing skills an advantage but not required.

Alone In Kyoto

All I can say is that Pharrell Williams has the Midas touch whenever it comes to producing music. Really, anything that is produced by the Neptunes/N.E.R.D./Pharrell is bound to sound different, cutting-edge and ear-clingingly good. At the bare minimum, it will at least sound different from the crap some so-called 'hip hop artists' are churning out these days. Let's not name names, but singing hateful songs about your ex-wife is so 1999.

Listening to 'Yummy' by Gwen Stefani (featuring Pharrell) it makes me wonder if Pharrell listens to Depeche Mode. Some of the influences are definitely there.

Have not been to the store in days. I miss my colleagues!

In other words, this week has been hell. I was juggling management training, school, studying for the coffee master challenge AND attending a long-time friend's wedding. Luckily, the coffee master thing is already over and I've attended said wedding, but I still have to finish the 3 short essays as well as prepare for my Creative Thinking module. I'm just thankful I'm not taking 2 modules. If I was, I seriously think my sanity would have flown out the window and gone to Koh Samui on vacation.

Speaking of which....despite the bomb threats, I CANNOT WAIT TO GO TO BANGKOK! I seriously need a fuckin' break!!

Mind Over Money

As always, good ol' Turin Brakes come to the rescue. Olly and Gale always have the exact words to describe how I've been feeling recently, and they managed to put those words into one of my favourite songs ever:

'That's alright, I warned myself
Keep blood on the inside
And nowhere else
Up on the shelf
That's where I need to be
La da da dee."

- ('Mind Over Money')

And of course, good ol' Mew:

"Things that are supposed to mean lots
Leave you cold
And with a malady of the soul."

- ('White Lips Kissed')

I shall skip through my mp3s and see if I can find any other suitable songs.

Oh wait, of course, there's always 'Moving' by Supergrass, the song that ALWAYS describes how I am ALWAYS feeling.

Moving, just keep moving
Til I dont know what I'm saying
I've been moving so long
The days all feel the same

Moving, just keep moving
Well I don't know why to stay
No ties to bind me
No reasons to remain

Got a low low feeling around me
And a stone cold feeling inside
And I just can't stop messing my mind up
Or wasting my time

I'll keep moving, just keep moving
Well I don't know who I am
No need to follow
There's no way back again

Moving, keep on moving
Where I feel I'm home again
And when its over
I'll see you again

There's a mow low feeling around me
And a stone cold feeling inside
I've got to find somebody to help me
I'll keep you in mind.

The Man I Love

It's funny how the people around me must think that I'm a strange person. I've been asked a couple of times if I had MSN, and this is the conversation in general:

Unsuspecting Person: So, you got MSN or not?
Me: Nope, don't have.
Unsuspecting Person: *trying to comprehend this* You mean you don't have, or you have?
(At this point, the poor fella is trying to suss out whether I just don't trust them enough to give out my MSN handle to them, or if I've being super-secretive and just plain weird.)
Me: Um....I just don't like it.
Unsuspecting Person: *in disbelief* You mean you just don't like MSN?
Me: Um....yup.
(At this point, I either get a raised eyebrow or a weird look, or both, and sigh. There goes my resolution of not appearing weird or aloof.)

Thinking about it, it's like asking someone what their favourite food is, and they say they just don't like food. I guess I'd give them a weird look too. Or point and laugh.

I have no idea why I keep updating this thing when I know no one is reading. I mean, seriously, I have not given out this address to ANYONE I know in person, so in a way, it's a safe retreat from the hazards of reality, which kinda sucks at the moment. It's actually less suckier than it was 2 weeks ago, but it still sucks.

There was a John Legend song I heard at work that I really liked. Initially I thought it was about some girl he loved, but when I listened closely, I realised it was about God. Then it made me really sad and reflective, and I don't like myself when I'm in this mood. I get all melancholic and moody, when I actually should be putting on my game face for this week. I mean, I have to concentrate on my training, study for the Coffee Master challenge thing this Saturday, go to Pat's wedding AND finish my 1000-word essay on top of that. And all I actually feel like doing is writing.....

Listening to an Ella Fitzgerald song called 'The Man I Love', it occured to me that I have never really loved anyone. Like, really loved someone to the point of heartbreak, you know? And the scary thing is, I don't know if I ever will.

I'd like to, though.

The John Legend guy was the closest thing I've ever experienced to having feelings for someone so recently. The last person was J, but we broke up so long ago and since then I had not had feelings for anyone until JLG (John Legend Guy). Well, there is always Goatboy, who I think about from time to time, and I've always been convinced that there was something there, but I don't know what.

Oh well. Worse comes to worst, I'll just marry some Bangladeshi worker and spend my days building mud huts in Dhaka.

Feeling Yourself Disintegrate

I just have not realised just how stressed-out and wired I've been lately, until the recent outburst at my mum. Still, what turned out to be a crappy semi-day-off has turned into one that is actually not that bad. For the first time, I have an actual way out for the huge number of problems that has been piling up on my shoulders and the solution came from the most unlikely place. Still, I'm just glad that things are going to get better soon.

Now I just have to concentrate on work and school. Also, Pat is getting married next Saturday so I'm going to call up Redz and Jayine to see if we're all going together. Then after that, it's BANGKOK! I seriously cannot wait; I love going to Thailand so much and I seriously need a good and proper vacation, even if it's only for a few days. I desperately need a rest after the rollercoaster ride I've been on for the past few months. Still, I'm happy that I managed to curb my spending and somehow get my life back on track.

I'll just have to take a deep breath and soldier on. Or, in the words of My Chemical Romance, "we'll carryyyyy on, we'll carryyyyy onnnn..."and so forth. All I have to do is take a deep breath and concentrate on what I'm doing now and make sure I really don't screw up this time. Sigh.

Still - looking forward to Bangkok!

Saturn Returns

Listening to Radiohead's Pyramid Song, I've had a sudden epiphany. The most beautiful things - books, songs, albums, paintings, photographs, movies - have all been things I either didn't understand, or at least had some air of mystery or intrigue around it.

I think human beings should work on not trying to understand the mechanics of everything and anything that happens to them, and just accept them as they are, and interpret it in their own way. Then perhaps there would be a little less violence and bloodshed in this world.

The Seething Rain Weeps For You

Wow, it's been almost three months since I last updated this. So much for my resolution to blog regularly. Anyway, it's a new year and a new life for me now. Things are a bit cluttered and messy now but I have three days off this week and I'm using the much-needed break time to get my act together and figure things out too.

The money situation is really bad now, to the point where my internet connection and phone line have been cut off, disconnecting me from friends and family (unless I'm with them or borrow someone's phone to make a call). The lack of money also makes it a better idea to stay at home and bum around instead of doing something I really want to do, like go out and watch a movie.

I also start school very soon. I really have no idea where I'm going to find the money for textbooks. I don't even know how I'm going to go print out my timetable. It's sickening, really, but I'd be stupid to complain or burst into tears or feel sorry for myself. That is not going to solve anything, so my best bet is to put on my game face, be grateful for what I still do have and soldier on.

In other happier news, I'm happy that I've started going on the treadmill again and watching what I eat. I've also started reading again, borrowing a slew of Murakami books from the library and a Banana Yoshimoto book I've always wanted to read. I also seem to be able to listen to nothing but Mew these days. I'm not complaining though, because I don't have enough money to buy new CDs anyway, or download something new.

Off to go wash my hair and dig through the crap in my room to see if I can salvage anything. I'll end this self-pitying post by sharing some lyrics to a song that's been haunting me for the past few weeks. I don't quite know what the lyrics mean, but then I don't understand most of Mew's lyrics, just like most of Murakami's prose. I've given up on trying to understand them, and instead I just let it flow through me like rain. It's the atmostphere that they generate, you know? I guess I'm not making sense.

FOX CUB
by Mew


No more trying
Too much terribleness these days
And what you thought was true
Well, they were lying to you
And made a kid cry
So did you change the locks?
And did you hide the fox cub?
Don't make fun
Because we don't.

We'll Carry On, We'll Carry On

Just for the fun of it, here's my top ten list of guys that make me all giggly and vapid and 'whee!':

1. Alan Wilder (from Depeche Mode)
- My idea of the perfect man: a musician with an acerbic wit, dark sense of humour and so unbelievably fucking gorgeous. Plus, he married a gypsy. I want to be a gypsy, dammit.

2. Sean Bean (actor)
- The most long-standing crush from my Lord Of The Rings harem, haha!

3. Viggo Mortensen (actor)
- Very close behind Sean Bean, and from the same, aforementioned harem.

4. Mikey Way (from My Chemical Romance)
- I know, I know. But their video has been playing non-stop on MTV (which I watch religiously when I'm on the treadmill) and that boy cleaned up real nice. Honourable mention: Frankie Iero from same band. Gerard Way would probably get an honourable mention too if he didn't go all Debbie Harry on us.

5. Shan Wee
- I don't even know what to say about this one. All my friends insist he's blank/obnoxious/resembles VivoCity (private joke) but he's definitely the most gorgeous man I've seen in person. Also, after listening to him on the radio a few times, it's pretty evident there's a wicked sense of humour lurking in those blank depths. And wicked sense of humour = always droolicious.

6. Lionel Messi (Barca/Argie football player)
- Popularly known as 'The Flea' in his native Argentina, it is easy to see why this young prodigy is the next great white hope for Argie futbol. Plus, he's so fuckin' cute that I want to pick him up and put him in my pocket. This has earned him the nickname 'Pocket Messi' amongst me and my bemused family members.

Well, I'm too tired to complete the rest of my list. I'll do it another day and hopefully supplement the list with photos as well. In the meantime, I shall debate whether Orlando Bloom will make it to my list or not, because he's more under the 'Guilty Pleasure' category. I mean, he's the only one from my list who is strictly eye candy. The rest have other talents and worthy attributes. The guy just looks good in a Pirate costume, full stop. We'll see my mood.

It's my day off tomorrow (today, actually) and I'm going to spend it cleaning the house. Whoop de fucking doo.

Make This Go On Forever

So I have finally decided to start blogging again. I think it's the lack of food (fasting month) plus lack of fresh air (the haze from hell) that has inspired me to find somewhere where I can complain. So here we go: new blog, new start, old rantings and ravings.

With all this haze drama, Singapore really does look like Silent Hill. Of course, I'm going to run like hell if any ash-babies or pyramid-head-shaped people come clawing after me on the MRT. I was kinda glad the haze went away during my birthday vacation in Batam, and now it's back with a vengeance.

Me: How come there's no firefighters trying to put out the fire in Indonesia?
Brother: Because they're all busy making ayam penyet?

That is so hysterically racist and stereotypical, but damn funny.

In other words, a good Sunday morning album to listen to is Josh Rouse's 'Subtitulo'. A really beautiful, light, tender album. Steer away if you hate bossa nova or Burt Bacharach-type-sipping-martinis music. But otherwise, it's something soothing and warm to melt into, like a cashmere sweater.

Happy Haze Day, people!