John, Let Me Go

How can a month possibly have flown by already? How is it possible that I am yet scrambling to meet another essay deadline? March has been great music-wise, having gotten to see Mum and Sondre Lerche in concert (and getting to meet Sondre twice, woohoo!) and work has been pretty decent. However, I do NOT appreciate being perpetually sick. What, do I have some sign on my forehead that invites all passing bugs and parasites to kindly use my body as some kind of illegal host?

First, I had a cold, then it turned into the worst wracking cough I've ever had, then now I'm back to the cold. So, naturally, this is the order of the next few diseases I will surely be getting: herpes, gangrene, Ethiopian flesh-eating bacteria. If anyone wants to pass on any exotic viruses to me, you know the number.

I desperately need a vacation. Yet I see ALL my money being sucked into the damn tuition fees for next semester. Even with the gahmen's generous 40% discount, I still have to fork out over $2000. So I will not be a happy crab for the rest of the year, unless I bring in illegal immigrants on the side to make extra cash.

Sondre's songs are still ringing in my head! John, let me gooooo....(In this case, John = random ball of flu bugs and viruses)

1234, Tell Me That You Love Me More

I AM FINALLY DONE WITH MY DAMN ASSIGNMENT!

I can't tell you what a relief it is. Thankfully I got an extension from my tutor, but even with that, it was so damn hard to get started on the paper. Will I ever kick procrastination in the ass and be able to submit things on time? I guess not.

At the moment, I'm going to enjoy the immense feeling of RELIEF you get whenever you've just finished a huge, odious task that you've been putting off for the longest time. My fault, I guess, but damn it feels so goooood to get that off my back.

Still, I'll only get to celebrate for a day and then it's back to my second assignment which is due on 28 March. Which means only three and a half more weeks to do a 2000-word paper about something that I have absolutely no interest in. Boooo.

Excuses that I can use next time for a deadline extension:
1) I have a pathological need to watch American Idol or I will start going down to the local supermarket and hurling cabbages at innocent bystanders
2) The police suspect that Mas Selamat is hiding in my block and has evacuated everyone while they comb through our block for the next few weeks (cross out if Mas Selamat has been caught or already discovered shopping in some Indonesian night market)

Looking forward to Mosaic next week. Mum and Sondre Lerche, anyone?

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

I should be worried. My assignment is due in two days, and I have done squat. I haven't even read the textbook or typed one word. And I find myself not caring. I don't know why - maybe it's a subconscious reaction to the cutthroat ambitiousness of my classmates. The more "on the ball" they are, the less I care. And I really should be worried, considering the amount of money my mum and I paid for my school fees, but I. Just. Don't. Care.

I know I said that this year will be my fuck-it year. But I never intended to ignore schoolwork. Maybe it's because my lecturer and tutor this semester really suck, but that's no excuse. I could always read the textbook myself and do my own self-study, but that's not happening. I find myself more interested in who's winning American Idol and when 'Into The Wild' is coming out.

It's not just school, but it's other areas in my life that have been considerably shaken up. I always thought I would be fine as long as my core beliefs are there, as long as what I consider my identity is held firm and does not conform to what others expect of me. Yet, recently I find myself questioning that identity and whether it's right or wrong.

It's hard for me to express how I'm feeling - I guess everything I thought was true turned out to be wrong. I thought I was Person A, but instead I'm turning out to be more like Person B. And I had never intended to be Person B, and it's scary. And maybe I was never meant to be Person A in the first place? Is this even all making sense?

Everybody's Talking At Me

Apologies for the lack of entries/participation lately. I know I haven't really replied to or read most of your entries, and please don't take it personally - I'm just in a really funky, anti-social mood right now. I'm sure it'll blow over after a while. So in the meantime, just let me have my emo moment.

Two talking points in the past two weeks: the movie Jumper, and American Idol Season 7. All I can say about Jumper is that lead actor Hayden Christensen needs to teleport himself to an acting school. Enough said.

Reviews (in 6 words or less) of certain American Idol male finalists:

David Archuleta: So cute! Must....adopt...now...

Luke Menard: Can't sing, but sooooo handsome! Hfdsbkerhj::%$#....

Robbie Whats-his-face: Two words. Nickelback wannabe. POSEUR! (He claims he's a rocker, so why does he sing like a Teletubbie?)

And now, we come to my favourite, who shares the same last name as a dictator...

Jason Castro: The eyes! The dreads! The 'aww shucks' personality!

And If I Touch You, You Don't Feel A Thing

Just finished my first tutorial of this semester. Let me just say this: I am struck and dumbfounded by just how boastful some people can be. My tutor just monopolised the entire lesson and didn't really let anyone get a word in. The thing is, when she asked us questions, she simply took the liberty of answering it herself without waiting for anyone's answers, even when people were putting up their hands to answer. She also talked about herself, her qualifications and so on. My lecturer is even worse. I miss my old lecturer and tutors, man. They were really intelligent people who cared more about the students than their own greatness.

Another thing: the school that I attend is full of teachers. So everyone loves to boast about how their job and how difficult it is and how much they earn. I can tell the difference between job pride and just plain arrogance, and this is definitely the latter. Come on man, you can't even speak English properly and you want to boast about being a teacher? What's the big damn deal? It's a job like any other. You're putting to shame those REAL teachers who go in everyday and slog damn hard for their kids and bring home tons of homework to mark without boasting about it to anyone who will listen. Disgusting.

Guess I'm just in a bitter mood now. Why is everyone so full of pride? When you think about how big the world - and the universe as well - is, you must realise how small we are in the scheme of things. There is nothing great about being a teacher or the manager of a bookshop or every other tiny achievement that we want to blow out of proportion and tell everyone else about. The reason why the world is so fucked up as it already is, is due to these people who can't get their head out of their asses. It's people like my former lecturers who maintain the balance, otherwise we would all have gone to hell in a handbasket a very long time ago.

Thank God for people like them. Damn, I really miss them.

Into The Wild

This is inspired by Sharon's post about wanting to watch American Gangster, as well as a burning desire to run screaming from my workplace and do something to take my mind off it. Just for my own reference, and in case anyone is interested: it's a list of movies that I'm planning to watch in the near future. If you want to catch anything with me, comment or SMS, please! Or you can squawk loudly in the cinema like Rashid, "MUST WATCH! MUST WATCH!"

- American Gangster
- Into The Wild
- I'm Not There
- Cloverfield
- Vantage Point
- 10000 BC
- Juno
- The Bucket List
- Chapter 27

I Want You (She's So Heavy)

So my new job started out quite horribly, but it's slowly getting better. Still, I can't complain because it's better than it being the other way round. I just have to be really alert and humble and make sure that I don't screw up.

Went with Jayine and Redz earlier to Skin at red dot traffic, which was a great loungey-type place that serves the best Shirley Temples that I have ever tasted. Elnie, you got to try this! The music was a bit too loud, but then I'm half-deaf anyway, so the difference is minimal. It's pretty funny because we ordered some bar food, and it took quite some time before the food arrived. The thing is, Redz and Jayine saw them 'tar-pau' the food (most likely from the nearby Maxwell Food Center) so it was pretty weird paying $12 for fries from a Western stall. Still, the ambience was excellent.

Like I was telling them earlier, I have decided that 2008 is my fuck-it year. I am just not going to care anymore. I'm not going to actively chase or pursue anything, because 2007 was all about active pursuing and chasing and wanting and hoping, and in the end, feeling let down and fucked up and used and stupid for ever thinking that anything would change. So my philosophy for 2008 is "Fuck it!" Say it with me again, kids!

I know I sound bitter, and I might be, but like I said, I'm just past the point of caring. I'm not going to entertain shallow friendships with people I don't care about. I'm not going to worry about all the TV shows and movies and books and bands that I might be missing out on. And this year *might* just be the year I start trying to forgive and forget past grudges - from those idiots in secondary school who made my life miserable to former colleagues who make Hitler look like Barney to myself - I just have got to let go of all that crap and stop lugging it about with me. Because it's getting old and no one cares, not even me anymore.

Hope my 2008 philosophy still stays the same after 2 months - okay lah, 2 hours, maybe?

Strawberry Fields Forever

So tomorrow is the start of my new job. I'm not sure what to expect, and the excitement I'm feeling is tempered with a sense of apprehension. I don't like looking forward too much to certain things in case they turn out to be major disappointments (which happens 95% of the time whenever I'm looking forward to something.) So I'm trying to go for 'blase' but it's veering dangerously close to being plain worried. Still, worrying isn't going to change anything. So I'll just shut up.

After a friend of mine lost his very close friend, I find my thoughts plagued once again with the question of mortality, and just what I want exactly out of life. As an ex-colleague put it bluntly, "Hah, why do you want to work at another bookstore?" Well, what else am I supposed to do? Sign up for a glamourous career in the army as a back-up paratrooper? Sell all my belongings and open up a halal char siew pao stall?

Yet, in a weird, twisted way, I do get what she means. And I don't know whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing. Wish me luck on my first day of work.

And Rashid - you have my utter condolences.

Strawberry Fields Forever

So tomorrow is the start of my new job. I'm not sure what to expect, and the excitement I'm feeling is tempered with a sense of apprehension. I don't like looking forward too much to certain things in case they turn out to be major disappointments (which happens 95% of the time whenever I'm looking forward to something.) So I'm trying to go for 'blase' but it's veering dangerously close to being plain worried. Still, worrying isn't going to change anything. So I'll just shut up.

After a friend of mine lost his very close friend, I find my thoughts plagued once again with the question of mortality, and just what I want exactly out of life. As an ex-colleague put it bluntly, "Hah, why do you want to work at another bookstore?" Well, what else am I supposed to do? Sign up for a glamourous career in the army as a back-up paratrooper? Sell all my belongings and open up a halal char siew pao stall?

Yet, in a weird, twisted way, I do get what she means. And I don't know whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing. Wish me luck on my first day of work.

And Rashid - you have my utter condolences.

It's Not Over...Yet

Many apologies for the loooong absence. I could blame it on a lot of things - a stagnant internet connection, work, uber-laziness, inertia....but I'd rather save the excuses. So, like a Haitian zombie experiment gone horribly wrong, I'm back from the dead, lurching about and mumbling, "Brains...."

Happy 2008, people. I hope this will be a better year for me, and for all of us as well.

Nsync, dried flowers and Grey's Anatomy

Rules:

*Each blogger must post these rules first
*Each blogger must start with eight random facts/habits about themselves
*Bloggers tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things
*At the end of your blog, choose eight people to get tagged, and list their names

1. When I was young, I used to eat my mum's dried flowers and steal my neighbour's slippers.

2. There are a lot of things I don't like that most people I know like: hawaiian pizza, Grey's Anatomy, that damn ping-pong song by Enrique Iglesias.

3. I cannot stand the sight of blood, flesh and bone, but I'm extremely fascinated with serial killers.

4. I usually must read 2 books at a time, and it must always be one fiction and one non-fiction. I can't read 2 fiction or 2 non-fiction at one go. Why? Because I'm a psycho.

5. The best places I've travelled to are as follows: Koh Samui, London, Bangkok and Osaka.

6. I have a strong suspicion that I will never get married.

7. I will listen to any kind of music except country and German polka.

8. I secretly like to watch Oprah and listen to N'Sync and Westlife. If anyone calls me on it, I will pretend to laugh and scoff, then run away.

Since almost everyone on Multiply has been tagged, I shall tag the following victims:

Aliah
Jayine
Imah
Crystal
Ah Poh
Juanna
Almir
Eugenia

(If I didn't tag you, it's because I saw that you've already been tagged by someone else.)

Hopefully this will go through, no thanks to the stupid intermittent internet connection. *crosses fingers*

Colour The Small One

Apologies to everyone for the recent quiet spell. A lot of things happened to me last week - I quit my job, got a new job, lost my internet connection due to a faulty modem, sprained my back and missed out on both my birthday and Hari Raya. How horrible is that? I've only been able to watch from a miserable distance as everyone else was making preparations and having fun, but that has also rather excused me from having to help clean the house, haha. My best friend also turned up at my house at midnight on my birthday with a beautiful cake, so that more than made up for the fact that I've been stranded at home for the past week.

Still, a few good things came out of it. Watched a lot of DVDs, read a lot of books and found out from the acupuncturist that I have incredibly poor blood circulation and that if I hadn't come to her earlier, it would have resulted in more serious symptoms apart from a sprained back. Also, I've learnt to be a LOT more patient with those old people who walk along pathways very slowly, now that I've been walking like them for a week. Also, some people who I thought would remember my birthday didn't, and those who I thought would have forgotten totally surprised me. So it only goes to show that people always, always surprise you, and to expect any more or any less of them is stupid, especially when I'm guilty of some of the same things myself.

Tomorrow, I start my new job. As I was telling Redz, I hope that this doesn't start a whole round of job-hopping. But you know what, it's sort of like going on lots of dates before settling down with someone you're really serious about. I'd rather wait and job-hop before finding one job I really like, instead of trying to settle down into something straight away and ending up unhappy, which was the lesson I learned last month.

In any case, Selamat Hari Raya, folks. My deepest and sincerest apologies for any wrong that I may have done to you, intentionally or otherwise.

A Time To Be So Small

For the past week, I've been in a really weird mood that I haven't been able to suss out, and it's making me do and say weird things. It's mostly to do with work and my muddled thoughts about -what-the-hell-am-I-doing-with-my-life-and-career and the same old crap. Then earlier, I had a bit of an insight that helped to shed light on why I'm feeling this way.

I was logging into my school portal when I saw an ad (targetted at prospective students) about current students, the degree they're pursuing and what they eventually hope to achieve. There was one about this 50+ year old ang moh engineer who's taking the same course as me and eventually wants to be an English teacher, after a lifetime in engineering.

My first reaction was, "Wah, so old already, still want a career switch? What's the point?" Right there, I managed to pinpoint exactly why I've been feeling so down and weird recently. It was my own skewed perception that the main chunk of life is meant to be enjoyed in your youth, before you hit 40 or 50. At that point, I had these weird, preconceived ideas that you're supposed to be well established in your career and family life before then, not going back to school and making career switches.

But, the thing is, why not? Over half of my schoolmates in the English course are older than my parents. More than 90% of them are juggling full-time work, school and kids. I'm one of the odd ones out who don't have to get up at 4am for some alone time so they can finish their assignments without the kids bugging them. So why do I have the very biased thinking that life is over at 40, 50?

This ang moh engineer reminded me of my dad, roughly around the same age but at the other end of the spectrum. The other day, he messaged my brother to tell him that he had to cut my brother's monthly allowance of $200 in half, because "he needed to save for his old age." Granted, I understand my dad's motivations, but part of me is horrified that my dad doesn't even have any CPF money because he spent most of his life being self-employed and neglected to save any money for his retirement. Now, divorced, alone and broke, he has to skimp on the maintenance money he promised to my brother and my mum just so he has money for his old age.

Now, don't get me wrong, I fully intend to provide for my father once I'm older and he no longer has the capacity to work. But the thing is, if life is really over at 50 as I mistakenly think it is, then what about people like my dad, who don't even have any CPF savings to their name?

I think my biggest fear is that I don't want to end up like my dad. I've had people roll their eyes at me before when I said that, and I get the reply, "Nobody wants to be exactly like their parents, it's not only you." But they don't understand. I'm now recognising signs in myself that are EXACTLY like my dad - the short temper, extravagant spending, a tendency to blame others for our own mistakes. Looking at my own finances, I know it's only a matter of time before I'm 50 and I'm exactly like my dad, living alone with nothing but failed, empty dreams. It makes me sad for him, and it makes me afraid for myself.

I need to get over the mindset that I need to achieve whatever I want to achieve as quickly as possible because I feel that time is running out. It isn't, it's indifferent, it continues whether I agonise over it or not, and I get another year older still stuck in the same rut despite my fretting and whining and overanalysing things. Some things have changed this year, and I actually am happier in the department of friends and family, and I have to work on a couple of other things and just, well, stop complaining about everything and stop having these weird ideas.

Pace Is The Trick

I'd always imagined that my heart was always behind a high-walled fortress, secured with state of the art technology and guarded by huge, burly security guards twice the size of Vin Diesel. But deep down I know better, I know that my heart's guarded by nothing except a battered door barely hanging onto its rusty hinges, and that if I blink for a second, anyone can get past and do their worst. Or their best. So far, it's always been the first one.

I know I'm too flighty, too impulsive, too easily ruled by my emotions. This makes me an ideal candidate for heartbreak, and if it weren't for the advice from more pragmatic friends, I might be worse off than I am today.

At the moment, I'm not too sure what to do. I think burying myself in work and school is a good idea. I should stay away from matters of the heart for a while. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. If all I have for protection is a rusty door, then I have no business being open to attack from any Tom, Dick or Harry.

Or Andrew.

Watch The World Spinning Gently Out Of Time

You said that we haven't talked in so long, wished that it was more often than this.

I wish it too, but don't you see? I stay away not because I don't care, but because I care too much, and if I don't guard myself, it will be me all on my own, left in the dark, while you battle your own demons.

It's easier not to care, but since I do, I have to pretend that I don't.

Not For All The Love In The World

Just came back from a lovely so-called 'aunty dinner' with Aliah and Imah, and we're so going to do one again during the fasting month and try to drag Crystal (+ Phang) and Azilah (+ Fuad) along, as well as Ariff. This time, we MUST remember to take pictures in a weak attempt to be camera whores.

This month is going to be SO chaotic. Fasting month starts in 2 days, my friend Marcus will be touching down in Singapore in 3 days, and I have almost zero off days this month because the store is opening and we're short of staff. I'm glad to help out, because work's fun, but coupled with another 2 upcoming essays due and the birthdays of a lot of my close friends plus the weddings of 2 childhood friends, I'm beginning to feel like a very small pat of butter being spread very thinly on a very large slice of bread.

So please don't misunderstand if I'm extra quiet this month. But I so definitely want to meet up with ALL of you reading this. I just may not be so vocal, blogwise, unless I want to whine about more impromptu sepak takraw tournaments under my window.

For all cat lovers (and general decent people) please click on the link to >http://unpixilated.blogspot.com>help some poor cats that my friend Aliah is helping to care for at the moment.

Exchange Of The Day

New Colleague: Eh, how come just now I heard you speak Malay?
Me: Because I'm half Chinese, half Malay.
New Colleague: Oh! So you're halal?

The Way I Are

Trying to beef up my essay on science and religion now, which is due tonight, and just as I've settled comfortably and started making some progress, a group of foreign workers have decided to set up shop under my room window and now a sepak takraw tournament is under way. I live on the second floor, so I keep getting distracted by cries of 'Foul!' in Burmese and snatches of a rattan ball bobbing up and down outside my window.

Okay, I've decided to plug in my earphones and try to concentrate like hell. Hopefully they will tire out after an hour or two. Wish me luck, everyone.

PS: While researching for quotes on religion, I found this really dumb one by Linda Evangelista:

"It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher."

Everybody Knows That You're Insane

Just some quick updates:

- My new job kicks total ass.
- School is tiring, but fun in a masochistic kind of way.
- People are never, ever, ever what they seem. Ever.
- I need some new music to listen to.
- I need to be more forgiving
- My Swedish friend Marcus is moving here in about two weeks' time. Any suggestions as to how I can best get him assimilated into local culture and stuff? Where should I take him to, for a quick tour?
- Fasting month is already starting so soon! Am still bristling at a colleague who told a customer that 'fasting is optional'. WTF?
- Apologies to everyone: I know I've been quiet, but the madness will settle down soon, I promise. Hope that everyone is doing well, or at least not climbing the walls.

I Predict A Riot

Today was one of the worst working days that I have ever experienced. To top it all off, after work, I received a message from my store manager saying he "needed to talk to me about my work performance and attitude" after receiving feedback from the managers and partners. I got this sms just as I was about to settle down and try to forget today's horrible shift by watching Evan Almighty. That sms ruined the movie for me as well and it was all I could do not to sit there and fume.

After thinking it over for some time and wondering what my manager has to say (yet again), I did promise myself to keep an open mind and listen to what he has to say because if I am really in the wrong, I will definitely need this advice to change my attitude/whatever so it will help me as I progress to other jobs. But at the same time, there is the very distinct feeling of being picked on at work, as well as the fishy smell of favouritism wafting about the place.

I'm just about tired and done. The only real reason I'm staying is because of the people. And I rarely even get to work with the ones that I am staying for. And according to my store manager, they're all apparently giving him feedback about my 'lousy' performance. So my limit is almost up - tomorrow, I will listen with an open mind (as open as I can manage without wanting to throttle someone) and if I get the same old feedback, or worse, get wind of any backstabbing, I'm so out of there. I barely get to see Aliah, Azilah, A'an, Crystal and Ayie anyway even though I'm still working. So I might as well quit and arrange to meet them outside working hours, along with Imah and Lin.

My decision is not quite final yet, it really depends on tomorrow's outcome. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm just going to look forward to starting my new job. At least there'll be a break from all the drama, regardless of whether I quit or not.

Everything Is Everything

Many apologies for the lack of entries - been so busy and swamped with work, school, settling stuff for the new job, then falling sick....it's been a whirlwind. Being both broke and sick is no fun, let me assure you.

Despite being sick, I made myself go for Poptart because I already promised Redz, and ended up enjoying myself. They played a lot of songs that brought memories flooding back for all of us. It's funny how much we associate a particular period in our life (like secondary school, poly, etc) with certain songs or bands. There are some bands or songs that I don't listen to anymore because they bring on such strong emotions. I usually steer clear of them unless I'm in the mood or if I'm alone.

I'd better get going on my assignment which is due on 4 September as well as cleaning my room before the fasting month begins. Time seems to be running out pretty fast, even when I'm sick and supposed to be resting, bah.

A suitable snippet from a long-forgotten song that we heard during Poptart tonight:

"We were sure we'd never see an end to it all
And I don't even care to shake these zipper blues
And we don't know
Just where our bones will rest
To dust I guess
Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below."

- Smashing Pumpkins, '1979'